Saturday, February 14, 2004

My candidate!

I've been agonizing over who to vote for in the next election for some time now. It is obviously not Bush. He can't even wipe the lying smirk off his face. You can see the little thought bubble over his head, "I can't believe they're buying this stuff! I don't even believe what I'm saying! Don't laugh... don't laugh... Hey, somebody prop up Dick Cheney! He's falling over."

Anyone who knows me well knows that I cannot endorse Kerry, the "frontrunner". It's because he has a long face. I don't like horses, pointy-nose dogs, or Jay Leno. The long face freaks me out for some reason. And Kerry's got a long one. Somebody push that silly putty back in place, and we'll talk.

John Edwards was my man for a long time. He's a nice guy, and he kept his promise of announcing his candidacy on The Daily Show before the "official" announcement the next day. The problem with Edwards -- Stephen Colbert summed it up after John Edwards kept his promise -- "It's just this kind of honesty and integrity that will make it impossible for him to attain the presidency."

And then there's Dean. He's always seemed a little crazy. I'm surprised he hasn't spontaneously lashed out and bitten anyone on his tour yet.

So my endorsement goes for the fellow on this shabbily put together website recycled from 4 years ago.

Friday, February 13, 2004

[This one might be construed as foul, but I have to go with it...]

This is a graffiti report, of sorts.

I was in the usual bathroom stall, and someone had written something offensive to some group of people. I might have been offensive to african americans or gay americans, it actually doesn't matter. What matters is the response -- someone wrote, directly beneath the offensive message, simply this:


It was as clear as anything. The penmanship was exceptional, and the placement was such that it was an obvious response. It wasn't as if the missing letter was wiped off, or glommed in together with another letter, it was just not there.

So then I was thinking that maybe the author meant "Asshoe". Maybe it's the name of a band I haven't heard of (and it's a darn good name, if you ask me!).

Or maybe it's the name of a new product! The Asshoe!

Do you find it a hassle to wipe after using the toilet? Well, Wilson™ lawn products has the answer for you! The Asshoe. With a sturdy oak handle, and a metal scraping device situated at a perfect 90 degree angle, it is the personal cleansing device you've been waiting for. Durable, convenient and dishwasher-safe. The Asshoe, from Wilson™. Available now at drugstores and home centers everywhere.

This could be a new trend...
Wilson™ home products toiletry line introduces the new Wilson™ Personal Bidet. A fresh, cool spray of cleansing water is the perfect way to end a trip to the bathroom. The Wilson™ Personal Bidet is 50 ft. of green hose designed for both indoor and outdoor use. You'll be feeling squeaky clean all day after using the Wilson™ Personal Bidet. AND, with our nozzle attachments, you can adjust the strength and width of the flow, for maximum effectiveness. And don't forget to try the Wilson™ Asshoe! Available soon at drugstores and home centers everywhere.

Thursday, February 12, 2004

I have to jump in on the Janet Jackson thing. Now, listen, I really don't care about her OR the Superbowl -- I saw none of it. I am just sick of hearing about her little boobout on national television.

I was reading about the Pepsi commercial/video with some pop singers doing "We Will Rock You" in a gladiator arena on Elizabeth's blog. I went to that web site, and, when scrolling down found a couple bits about Superbowl ads.

Many people are complaining that Janet's boob was forced upon them. Did anybody complain about the commercials?!?

The quote that really jumped out at me and slammed the issue home was this:

"One of a number of crotch-focused Super Bowl ads..." **

But, apparently 1.72 seconds of a nipple-covered breast is more damaging to our fragile youth.

** - the complete quote:
"One of a number of crotch-focused Super Bowl ads, this one features two dog owners who meet near a cabin in the woods to demonstrate their animals' skills at retrieving bottles of Bud Light. The winning dog attacks the genitals of one man, forcing him to throw his bottle of Bud Light into the air. The other man catches it and smiles wickedly."