Tuesday, January 13, 2004

So far as I can remember, I've never seen a James Bond movie in my life... at least in its entirety. I know a little about them (mostly from Austin Powers movies, I think), but I was under the impression that he was a pretty cool customer.

AMC was having a James Bond marathon, and a bunch of days ago, they showed "Dr. No". I figured it was a good place to start.

One of the cool James Bond-ey kind of things is his choice of beverage. You don't need to see a James Bond movie to be familiar with "Martini. Shaken, not stirred." This is the element of cool. Ordering a fine martini, shaken, not stirred, means you are super suave. Slick as a gravy sandwich. Shrewd and clever.

Martini, shaken, not stirred. Ah, the coolness.

I just wanted to watch the movie to hear him say it. "Martini, shaken, not stirred."

You see, I have based my particular brand of alcoholism on the Martini. It is a wonderful drink in a stylish glass. And olives are the only green vegetables I eat, so I figure the more martinis I drink, the healthier I am.

The martini is glorious, and it is due, in part to the James Bond coolness.

And then it happened... he walked into a bar and ordered...

"Martini. Shaken, not stirred."

It was beautiful. Sean Connery in his 'a little too much saliva in the mouth' finest. The 'shaken' and the 'stirred' were slightly slurred due to the Connery accent, but they flowed through the excessive spit in his mouth with a distinct confidence. I got chills. Seriously! Chills.

But there was more. Just when he was at his most glorious... it all went horribly, horribly wrong.

The waiter replied. "Yes sir. Vodka?"

Wait! What?!?! NO!! KILL HIM! Kill the waiter!! The mere suggestion of vodka in a martini is heresy! You don't make a martini with vodka!! He deserves death! Get him 007! Show him the gruesome painful death that follows the suggestion that vodka goes in a martini!

Leaning forward in my chair, I heard Bond's reply: "Of course."

Of course!?! What happened?! I was crushed. Defeated and crushed.

Dear James Bond,

Here is a website with recipes for martinis. Notice, none of them contain vodka, except on the rare occasion that it is mention amidst a gasp or other exclamation of horror and sacriledge.

Please, in the future, order a "Vodka Martini", so that the actual cool people know the truth, you poser. A vodka martini is just a false drink made for people who like to hold a cool looking glass, but don't want something pink in it, such as a Cosmopolitan.

Thank you,

The Martiniholics of the World.

A martini contains Gin, something between a waft and a pinch of vermouth (depending on how dry you would like it), and an odd number of olives. THAT'S IT.

Sheesh. He ordered a martini and then asked for it with vodka in it. Unbelievable.