• THE THING: "Help" on the phone from UPS.
  
• THE HAIKU REVIEW:
        Customer service
            doesn't have to be perfect.
                Please, at least, just try.
  
• THE FULL REVIEW:
  I ordered a package of stuff from Homestar Runner -- a CD and some little models of some of the characters.
  
  I filled in the order form quickly, because the place had most of my info already, which was great! My faithful readers will know that I have recently moved. Well, when I got the confirmation e-mail for the order... they had my old address! ACK!
  
  I quickly whipped off an e-mail saying that the address was wrong and I needed to change it. They immediately responded that I needed to talk to UPS. So I called.
  
  

  ---

  
  ME: Hi. I'm an idiot. I just placed an order with a company and they had my old address. I need to change the delivery address, if possible.
  
  UPS PERSON: Sure! You can't do it now, though, you have to wait until it hits the hub near you. It will on Monday -- just call back then! No problem.
  

  ---

  
  
  Cool.
  
  Monday comes around... I call.
  
  

  ---

  
  ME: Hi. I'm an idiot. I just placed an order with a company and they had my old address. I need to change the delivery address, if possible. I talked to someone last week, and they said I could call back now and do that.
  
  UPS PERSON: You can't do it until the driver makes one delivery attempt.
  
  ME: What? Why?
  
  UPS PERSON: So that we know it is the wrong address.
  
  ME: BUT, if the driver comes and there is no one there, won't he just leave it at the house?
  
  UPS PERSON: Yes.
  
  ME: Well that's a problem! If he leaves it, the homeowners might just trash it. There is a chance that I will never see this stuff!
  
  UPS PERSON: That's the way it is. It'll be delivered today. If it is rejected, you can try tomorrow.
  
  ME: Great...
  
  ... and I hung up.
  

  ---

  
  
  So, I called back the next day.
  
  

  ---

  
  ME: Hi. I'm an idiot. I just placed an order with a company and they had my old address. I need to change the delivery address, if possible. I talked to someone last week, and they said I could call back now and do that. And I talked to someone yesterday, and they said that the driver would have to make an attempt first. That should have happened by now, so I am seeing if the package was rejected. (I gave him my tracking number.)
  
  UPS PERSON: Actually, it hasn't been delivered yet at all.
  
  ME: Oh. Well, I guess I can't fix it then. The person told me I can't change it until the driver tries once. Is that true?
  
  UPS PERSON: Yes.
  
  ME: You see, I was just worried that he will just leave it there, and the people wouldn't want to have to call UPS back so they just throw it away.
  
  UPS PERSON: Yeah, that would be bad.
  
  ME: So you can't fix it.
  
  UPS PERSON: Well, I can try. See, we can send a message over to the hub and the drivers, and if they get the message in time. They might not, though. There's no guarantee.
  
  ME: [silence.]
  
  UPS PERSON: So. Would you like me to try?
  
  ME: [longer, even more dumbfounded silence.]
  
  UPS PERSON: Sir?
  
  ME: YES! OHMIGOD are you freaking kidding me??
  
  UPS PERSON: Excuse me?
  
  ME: You even have to ask THAT QUESTION? Yes, try!! That is what I have been asking for all along!! I don't want you to hop on a pony and scurry over with a handwritten sealed message!! Just try! Are you kidding?
  
  UPS PERSON: I'm not kidding, sir.
  
  ME: Well then DO IT! Holy crap. The other person I talked to could have TRIED, as well???
  
  UPS PERSON: If she wanted to, yes sir.
  
  ME: [extremely dumbfounded silence. punctuated by exasperated gasps.]
  
  UPS PERSON: So, I'll send the message over, and they will get back to you within the hour with a result.
  

  ---

  
  
  And they did. And it was fixed.
  
  Holey moley.
  
  
  I am unsure that I will be able to finish my life without taking someone else's.
  
  I think I am getting old and crotchety.
  
  
  

Another Literati update: (yes, I have a sickness...)

1578. Played a few games against a few different people. Lost 1, won 2.

It seems harder to move up than down. Actually when you beat stronger players, your score goes up more than when you beat people below you. It almost makes the game like a role playing game with experience points and such. I am a masterful word wizard on a grand quest for treasure and fame! As I defeat the greatest foes my experience grows! As I fail in battle, my level of life reduces somewhat. I am a great warrior!

OK, I'm just a geek. I know it. Stop laughing.

Literati update:

1569. I just beat Missyella1. She was a good, funny, clever player.

• THE THING: The game Literati.
  
• THE HAIKU REVIEW:
        If you like Scrabble™
            This is the game for you.
                Online all the time!
  
• THE FULL REVIEW:
  I am now addicted to an online game. It's dangerous.
  
  I actually heard about it from Jack Black, when he was on the Daily Show. He mentioned that he played it all the time.
  
  This game is called Literati, and it is basically like Scrabble, design-wise. You get seven letters, and you have to place them, crossword-puzzle-style on a board.
  
  The design of the board is slightly different (you place the tiles on the intersections of lines, and the double- and triple-value spaces are in different places), and the point spread is smaller (the Q and Z are worth '5').
  
  Also, I think the tile distribution is actually somewhat RANDOM.
  
  It's just great to be able to hop pon, play a quick game and get off.
  
  Except -- if you play a game labelled as "rated", they keep your rating, so you can see how you do against all the other players.
  
  Right now I am a 1557. My highest so far: 1623.
  
  The highest I've seen on the site was in the 1870's...
  
  I could get there. I'll keep you posted.
  

• THE THING: Cranky in the cafe
  
• THE HAIKU REVIEW:
        Dear every stranger:
            If you lecture me, prepare
                for a lecture back.
  
• THE FULL REVIEW:
  I was here late the other night at work. After a long day, and before what would prove to be an annoying night, I decided to go to the cafeteria for a salad. I just wanted a salad. Not a hassle.
  
  I got my food, and got a large Cherry Coke from the soda fountain thingy. They have styrofoam cups for this purpose. I used it appropriately, and moved down to the line to pay for my food.
  
  A student was in front of me. She was a sort of goth looking thing, and she was clicking her teeth as I set my tray down next to her. I really don't care what you wear, but if you are going to wear pants AND a skirt, you really have nothing to say to me. Especially when I'm cranky.
  
  Alas, she made her annoyed clicky sound one more time, and said, in an exasperated, breathy voice, "I just have to say this: That styrofoam cup is terrible for the environment. It doesn't decompose ever. You should use one of these!", and she proudly held up one of the cups they have for coffee. It is a white cardboard cup with the coffee brand name on it.
  
  I knew that I was about to do one of three things:
  
  (1) Punch her right in the mouth. I dismissed this idea, expecting that I might be fired.
  (2) Say, "You're right!", and dump the soda down the front of her black leather chained jacket and skirt and pants. I expected a similar result as (1), so I decided against this, as well.
  (3) Just get righteous back. If not righteous-er.
  
  I went with (3).
  
  "You're crazy." I told her.
  
  It was as if I had chosen (1) or (2) above. I honestly thought that her left eye was going to come flying out of it's socket into my face.
  
  "Wha--? Wha--? Wha--?" she stammered.
  
  Listen, I used to me Mr. Environmental Guy. I was Mr. Vegetarian Guy for about 10 years. I have grown up and gotten old and bitter. I have gone back to eating meat and not freaking out over styrofoam cups. I still pack up my recycling and take it to the recycling center. I do my little things, but I'm not nutty about it. And I was in no mood to hear it from goth girl.
  
  "You're crazy," I told her again. [The following rant is not word for word. I have filled in a couple words here and there that probably would have sounded better, but all of the major points were in there.] "This is way better for the environment than your cup. You said it yourself: mine does not decompose. It does not become part of the environment. Yours has bleaches and dyes that will become part of the system. Mine goes to the landfill, and soon we will have to deal with it. I am actually even accelerating the technology to deal with it."
  
  Her head was shaking back and forth. Actually it was more like twitching. Have you ever seen a cat or a dog pick up a toy, and shake it real quick back and forth? I guess it's trying to make sure it's dead or something... anyway, her head was doing that -- twitchytwitchytwich. twitchytwitchytwitch. And her eyes were blinking in an odd way. "You don't understand," she said, "even though it doesn't decompose, it's still toxic and animals can eat it and some chemicals leach out..."
  
  I just nodded, eyes wide in a patronizing way. I leaned forward and said, kind of whispery, "If you really cared, you'd bring a reusable mug."
  
  She just huffed and paid for her stuff and left.
  
  
  Don't lecture me when I'm cranky.
  
  

• THE THING: An overheard discussion.
  
• THE HAIKU REVIEW:
        It's always funny
            when street talk meets vegetables.
                I'm glad I was there.
  
• THE FULL REVIEW:
  I just heard the craziest conversation in the cafeteria here at the college.
  
  There were two guys (we'll refer to them as "inner city" folks) chatting as they approached the salad bar.
  
  I will try to recreate the conversation here. There is NO exaggeration in speaking style, in fact, I'm likely leaving out a lot of the street lingo, since I just don't have a lot of modern gangsta in me. I wish you could have heard it... you would understand so much more.
  
  I didn't see what they were looking at when one of them said, "Damn! Did you see that!? I gots ta get me some of that!"
  
  "Yeah, I saw that. Looks sweet to me. Let's get on that."
  
  And each one went to one side of the salad bar. Apparently they had been viewing a salad. I like salad as much as the next person, (possibly more, if there is hunks of cheese and balsamic vinegar around... MMmmmMMMmm...) but I would not have imagined these blokes discussing it in this fashion. They continued...
  
  "Yo! You have GOT to get some of that stuff on here!"
  
  "What stuff?"
  
  "You know, B! The stuff! That stuff, yo. You know."
  
  "Nah, man, what's the stuff?"
  
  A pause for thought. And then: "Ranch."
  
  "Ranch?"
  
  "Yeah. Ranch."
  
  "Don't you mean Ceasar??"
  
  "Oh, yeah. That's right. Ceasar. Ranch is whack."
  
  "You were buggin' when you said 'Ranch'."
  
  "Yeah."
  
  

• THE THING: The visit from my landlord.
  
• THE FULL REVIEW:
  [There's just no haiku I could put for this. So I shall skip that part.]
  
  My landlord is a very nice guy. He lives upstairs, and I live downstairs. I basically live in a bar. Most of my apartment is a bar. It's a big bar.
  
  Anyway, my landlord and I get along quite well; he comes and hangs out sometimes. We chat -- it's cool.
  
  Also, I am keeping watch over his 1966 jukebox. It's a wonderful machine. I love having it there. I almost didn't want to keep it in there, because the apartment is a little small. But it's too sweet, and too bar-related to move it. It rocks.
  
  A little over a week ago, the jukebox decided to stop actually making any music. The records would spin -- no sound would emit from the speaker. My landlord wanted to come and look at it. We both work and are away at odd hours, so we rarely are home at the same time.
  
  A couple nights ago, we were. He yelled down through the door between the upstairs and downstairs, "HEY! Wanna look at the jukebox?!" I said, "Sure."
  
  So he came down. Wearing a t-shirt and just his tighty whiteys.
  
  Ohmigod.
  
  He and I get along well. BUT NOT THAT WELL! Just to complete the picture for you: He weighs in around 275. The t-shirt was green. And I was wrong in naming the drawers tighty whiteys. His BVDs were more of a powder blue color. So -- here we are -- me and a big fella basically wearing just baby blue briefs.
  
  I spent the whole time looking up. There was just a lot I did not want to see. My brain was screaming, "Throw on some shorts, man!" But I just couldn't actually say it for some reason.
  
  We were working on the jukebox for a while, and he realized that we needed to remove the amp. He told me so: "Well, someone's got to get down there and get that amp out of there."
  
  "I GOT IT!" I blurted out, trying to avoid seeing him bending, crouching, ratcheting, and tugging in his skivvies.
  
  We got all done, and I went to go back and play a video game or two. I sat on the couch, which is right across from the bar. He decided he wanted to stay and chat, which is normally fine, but I had had my fill of big-man-in-underpants for one night. He sat down at the bar and kept chatting. I picked up my game controller and stared directly at the TV. Since I was sitting on the couch, and he was at the bar, his underthings and the package they held were basically at eye level. I was frightened.
  
  I didn't hear anything he was saying. I just had a voice in my head chanting: "Just play the game... just play the game... don't turn your head..." I didn't want to be rude, but I just had to draw the line at eye contact -- the possiblilty of eye contact with man-underthings was too great.
  
  As he headed upstairs, I realized that not only had I not looked at him for the last 25 minutes, but I don't think I had even breathed.
  

• THE THING: The 80's music website quiz thingy.
  
• THE HAIKU REVIEW:
        Resisting a lot
            of these nostalgia programs.
                I caved in right here.
  
• THE FULL REVIEW:
  I'm kind of sick of all the remember-the-80's sorts of shows out there. I do remember the 80's, and there was some cool, funny, cheesy, wonderful, sappy, silly, glittery, fishnetty, stonewashed-jeany, break-dancey, hippity-hoppity things that happened. For some reason I can only take about 20 minutes of any of the shows... but most people I know that are in my age-bracket love them. I don't know why I keep resisting.
  
  While visiting Blog, Shmog, there was a link. It looked a little like this:
  
  [WARNING: THIS IS A HUGE TIME HOOVER!! YOU MIGHT NOT WANT TO CLICK ON IT IF YOU REMEMBER ANY SONGS FROM THE 80's AND HAVE ANYTHING TO DO TODAY.]
  
  
  I had to find out the dealie-o. So I went there.
  
  Wow. I had no idea of how much of my brain contained musical crud from the 80's. I will be singing most of these songs all day. There were over 100 lyrical questions there. My brain actually hurts.
  
  I scored a 69, which I thought was somewhat respectable; at least better than I thought I would. It should have been just a smidge higher. It stinks that you have to put each word in a different blank. Be careful about that... (I hope this isn't any kind of a spoiler for one of the answers: I put white and wedding in the same box, so it came out as white wedding blank. NO POINTS! Urg. And, yes, I reversed lonely and broken, which was just silly.)
  
  There were many that I could sing the entire line of the song in my head, sometimes the entire song, except for the word that was missing!
  
  If you have a 1/2 hour, at least, to kill, go check it out.
  

• THE THING: The bathroom closest to my office
  
• THE HAIKU REVIEW:
        writing on the wall.
            old urine-caked toilet seat.
                loogie in the sink.
  
• THE FULL REVIEW:
  Ah, there's just nothing better than slamming your butt cheeks down onto a toilet seat... and sticking there.
  
  (If you haven't figured it out already, this might not be the best blog to read for the weak-of-stomach.)
  
  The students here are unreal... There are FIVE urinals! FIVE. If you need to pee, use them. Or if you absolute need to use the stall toilets, please lift up the seat. How hard is that??
  
  Urg. Everytime I go in there, it is like instead of a hose-shaped penis, the last user actually had an entire sprinkler system. It's incredible how much urine is on the seats, floor, walls, etc.
  
  So, I usually carry a Lysol Sanitizing Wipe™ (Citrus Scent) in there with me to try to eliminate a little of the hordes of giant microbes that are in there with me.
  
  At leats I can come out and wash my hands and end the horrific experience with a false sense of cleanliness.
  
  Alas, no.
  
  I exited the stall to see a student horking up phlegm in front of the mirror, and spits the most viscous loogie I have ever seen. It hits smack-dab on top of the faucet spout, and stretches down to make a connected line from the faucet to the bottom of the sink. There would be no way to wash your hands without getting snot on your hands.
  
  Just yummy.
  
  This little jar of Purell™ in my office is not going to last very long.
  

• THE THING: GIANT MICROBES!! (look out!)
  
• THE HAIKU REVIEW:
  
  
  
  

  if a regular           disease just isn't enough,               get it supersized!

  
  
• THE FULL REVIEW:
  We've been waiting for this for some time... Now you can get for yourself, or give to a friend, many of your favorite diseases!
  
  Rhinovirus!
  Streptococcus! (Yep, they have strep throat.)
  And what could be more sweet than giving a lover mono! Yes, they have the Epstein-Barr virus! Also, known as the kissing disease, you're sure to get lucky when you plant this 10,000,000:1 scale virus on your sweetie.
  
  They even have Porphorymonas Gingivalis. Yep, that's the sucker that causes bad breath.
  
  They even have a theoretical microbe -- FROM MARS!! (OK, OK, I might have to get that one. It's work related. Shut up.)
  
  Go browse around the site. Athlete's Foot, Ulcer causing microbes -- ALL your faves are here.
  

• THE THING: Steve Burns.
  
• THE HAIKU REVIEW:
        Once had a kids' show,
            is now a rock and roll star.
                He's my new hero.
  
• THE FULL REVIEW:
  Steve Burns rocks. Period.
  
  Go check him out!
  
  This is Steve Burns. The dude from Blues Clues. The show loved by little kids and their mothers and the occasional stoned college kids. And, Steve claims, Swedish au pairs.
  
  Well, now he's in a rock band.... and they are wonderful! Mighty Little Man is catchy as anything.... You can actually hear three whole songs from the album, if you want. It's way cool. He collaborated with at least one dude from the Flaming Lips. Geez.
  
  I think I need to buy this disc. Go listen.
  
  And as you persuse the webiste, realize how much he has not tried to distance himself from Blue's Clues. He realizes who he is and what he's accomplished and is proud of it all. It's quite nifty, really.
  
  
  

Two quick graffiti notes -- sans haiku (sorry! Or perhaps I should say "you're welcome!").

On the wall in one of the bathroom stalls in the men's room closest to my office someone wrote:

I LOVE BOB VILA

I thought it odd.


ALSO, above each urinal someone penned:

* bonk *

...right at forehead level. I think it is a frustration relief device; you can pee and bonk your head on the wall at the same time.

I might use it, at some point!

• THE THING: The life of Elliot Smith (1969-2003)
  
• THE HAIKU REVIEW:
        Sweet musicianship,
            unassuming vocalist,
                lyrics to ponder.
  
• THE FULL REVIEW:
  Damn -- woke up to discover that Elliot Smith had apparently killed himself with a knife to the chest.
  
  He has some wonderful stuff. I just about wore out the CD Figure 8... can you wear out a CD?? I swear I did. I'm hoping it still has a little life left in it so I can listen to it later.
  
  His music is gentle and smooth. His voice is always trying to express something, but you can almost hear a hesitation to it. His lyrics obviously have more to say than a casual listener could ever begin to understand. I still remember the first time I heard Son of Sam and thinking that it was the most creative arrangement I had heard in a long time. So, I bought the CD, and the second song turned out to be the most amazing guitar work I had heard in a while... check out Somebody that I Used to Know. Nice progression; easy to like.
  
  Other songs on Figure 8 include "Everything Means Nothing to Me", "Better Be Quiet Now", and "Easy Way Out". I suppose I shouldn't be too surprised that he was on a suicide path.
  
  But I can still be a but shocked and dismayed. And I am.
  
  Yeeps... he was basically my age.
  

• THE THING: The movie The Italian Job.
  
• THE HAIKU REVIEW:
        Honor among theives.
            When that gets disrespected,
                bad things may occur.
  
• THE FULL REVIEW:
  I rented the Italian Job from the campus movie rental. A buck a day -- you can't go wrong.
  
  I liked it! It was quite cool. If you've seen any preview for the movie, then you know what the premise is. If you haven't, just check it out. There are a couple a heists, and a series of events which tie them together. There's only bad guys, which is kind of nifty. It's not cops vs. robbers, it's robbers vs. robbers.
  
  I'm not sure why I liked it! There aren't any real twists or surprises. There are no long, drawn out fight scenes. There are no big firefights. The explosions which occur are precise and subdued. The was no novelty in the car chases.
  
  I guess the graceful cinematography, the easy acting, and the simplicity of the story are what gave me the good feelings as I was watching it. I won't run out and buy this, but if it's ever on TV, I might check it out again.
  
  There's nothing here to blow you away, but there is absolutely nothing wrong with it, I think.
  

Final Score on the Chris Worth Scale: A perfect $7. A very pleasant rental.

• THE THING: This movie: The Rundown
  
• THE HAIKU REVIEW:
        Deep like a puddle.
            Fighting. Shooting. Explosions.
                What did you expect?
  
• THE FULL REVIEW:
  I'm reviewing a movie which is starring someone who has named himself after a generic geological term. Oof.
  
  Actually, it was kind of fun. There are some nifty fight scenes. There are some deep entanglements. It's basically one big bungle in the jungle.
  
  The good: Action! There really was not much down time. There was some wild fight scenes. There was one where the Rock gets pretty obliterated by these South American martial arts masters. I never saw anybody punch so fast (except maybe Bruce Lee -- nod to Berchi).
  
  Christopher Walken was as Walken-esque as ever. That's always fun to watch. He did have some lines that felt like they were going somewhere but didn't. I can't really explain it, and it basically went with his character anyway, so I can't really complain.
  
  And the scenery was gorgeous. The photography was quite nice. There is one scene where they are focused on The Rock and his little clan of people in the woods, and the focus needs to switch to their pursuers -- there is a tremendous pan away and then zoom... it's really a nice effect. It obviously stuck with me. Look for it.
  
  The bad: (I don't think this is really a spoiler, sorry if it is...) The movie spents an unprecedented amount of time talking about how The Rock's character does not like guns. They harp on it for a while. It's brought up in about 1/2 of the scenes. And they lean towards explaining it, but they just never do. It seemed like such an important part of the tale, and it just got left dangling. What an icky loose end for me. Perhaps I'm expecting too much from a movie of this ilk.
  
  The ugly: Seann William Scott. I don't know why, but this guy annoys the piss out of me. He's probably supposed to but.... urg. Every time he got punched in the face, I wanted to stand up and cheer. He had a funny moment when he was trying to take a leak in the woods -- the problem: his hands were tied behind his back. Besides that he was just weasel-y. Perhaps it's the American Pie tie-in that bugs me -- it's one of the only movies I had to turn off in the middle because I despised it so. And I'm usually easily amused.
  
  Maybe it's the extra "n" he added to his name somewhere around 1999.
  
  Maybe I should rent "Dude, Where's My Car?" He was probably very good in that.
  

Final Score on the Chris worth scale: $6... The price of the matinee I went to see. It was just right.

• THE THING: A house closing
  
• THE HAIKU REVIEW:
        Never sell a house.
            Nice people become evil,
                and lawyers lick ass.
  
• THE FULL REVIEW:
  I've been away from Blogging for a while... I wondered if I still remembered how.
  
  Apparently, I do.
  
  So we closed on a house last night. It was not fun at all. The whole process started out nice -- nice people, we did a lot of things for them -- cut the price of the house by $13,000, let them store stuff in the yards, take days off work to have different people come to the house to look at things, make special trips to the house so they could measure and test paint colors, let their whole family come, uninvited, to hang out there.
  
  And then they turned around and screwed us. They had agreed to assume the sewer assessment, which was about $900 a year... turned out to be $8000 all together. Well, the contract we signed didn't include any mention of it. We didn't know it was supposed to be in there! APPARENTLY, if it's not in there, in falls to the seller. Our lawyer tells us this AFTER WE SIGNED THE DAMN THING! He tells us that is the way the law is, and that we should have known and made sure it was in there. I immediately wondered what we were paying him for!!! If we're supposed to know everything we could just do it OURSELVES! And he is a whiny, sniveling little worm. So I asked what we could do... he said, "Nothing. That's the law. You will lose if you try to fight this. The best you could hope for is tieing it up in the court system for two years, at the end of which you will still lose." Great.
  
  So I call the buyers to try to appeal to their sense of morality. Apparently their lawyers had scraped that away before I got to them. They caved a little, but they really just gave us a token amount to appease the whiny sellers. The whiny sellers who have given them EVERYTHING -- a BRAND NEW stove, a practically new washer and dishwasher, and we left about $1000 of lawn care equipment (hedge trimmers, lawnmower, weedwacker, fertilizer/seed sprayer, and other random tools) to welcome them to the new house! I'm glad I haven't mowed in 2 months.
  
  Basically, our lawyer screwed us, they're lawyer screwed us more, and the buyers backed them up.
  
  My only hope is that the deer have wandered through enough of the knee deep grass to deposit thousands of Lyme Disease ridden ticks that will infect them and their offspring with an incurable debilitating disease.
  
  I don't get angry. Ever. Not really -- I mean I make jokey empty threats at drivers that annoy me, and I never wish people ill. But now I'm angry. I don't like it.
  
  And, although it doesn't feel like it -- at least it is over.
  

• THE THING: Some plane flights I just had.
  
• THE HAIKU REVIEW:
        Getting on a plane
            is always an adventure.
                People frighten me.
  
• THE FULL REVIEW:
  I'm BAAAaaaaAAAACK!
  
  Sorry, everyone, for the break in writing. I only think about 3 people ever look at this Blog, so I could actually apologize to all of you personally. I was away for a little while, and just returned from a grandparental visit to South Carolina. There were 4 airplane flights required to get there (2 hops on the way down, 2 back). I feel kind of cheap and dirty complaining about air travel -- you might as well complain that the Arctic is chilly -- but there is Blogging to be done!
  
  First, I must whine about the process of getting on a plane. We were sitting towards the back of the plane on one of the legs of the trip, and they usually load up the plane starting from the back, so we were called to load ourselves up onto the plane pretty early on. First they call for people with special needs and 1st class, then they start with the high rows and move their way forward. This is for efficiency... the people heading for the back can cram their oversized luggage into the overhead rack -- it doesn't slow down the loading process.
  
  As we got on, my father noted, as we were waiting for someone in row 8 to cram his 6 foot tall garment bag into an overhead compartment, and looking around at the smattering of seats filled with bodies, "Why are all these people near the front already on the plane? I don't see any babies or people with special needs!" And he was right. As soon as they opened the plane, the people just went on as they felt like it. Why can't people just get on when they are called? This way, we don't all get squished into the front of the plane while some mushbrain tries to cram the entire inventory of the first floor of Macy's into a bin the size of a glove compartment.
  
  Perhaps I heard them wrong -- the public address system in Charlotte may have had a little static -- it might have said, "Now boarding flight 873 for Atlanta. We will start by boarding First Class, small children travelling alone, people with special needs, or any weenis who thinks he can just do whatever he damn well pleases, and will do whatever he feels like anyway." I know that dude in row 8 would have jumped up for that.
  
  On one of the legs there was another annoying human. He was sitting directly in front of me. He didn't bug me directly, but I sincerely felt for the flight attendants. He had a little trouble with his tray table. He tried to put his tray table up, and turn the little latch to hold it, but it only went over the tray a smidge, and when the plane started to taxi, it fell down towards him. He complained to the stewardess as we were heading for the runway. She asked him to hold it up for a minute until we take off and she would look at it in the air.
  
  My father was across the aisle, and noticed that a magazine was crammed up underneath the tray, and that was the cause of this man's woe. Dad pointed it out, but annoying little man didn't want to hear it at all. He just bit back, "NO! It's broken!" and proceeded to slam it against the seat in front of him with a vigor that the person in that seat could not have appreciated.
  
  Once we were in the air, the stewardess drifted back, and he went all sorts of ballistic: "THIS WON'T STAY UP!" Slam! Slam! Slam! "This is an FAA violation, you realize!" Slam! Slam! "You need to fix this immediately!" Slam! He said it with a tone that suggested that the entire situation was the fault of the flight attendant, and that she should whip out her tray fixing kit and repair it on the spot. She offered to reseat him bit he snarled, "I'm sitting with my family!" His wife and daughter were curled up like snails, seemingly trying to pretend he didn't exist.
  
  He had a newspaper with him, and decided that it would help if jammed the sunday edition of the New York times behind the tray table. He then slammed the tray up a few more times. If it wasn't broken before, bending the tray table around an inch and a half of crumpled newspaper took care of that.
  
  The plane landed, and he told his wife and 8ish year old child (who had a shirt on which said something like -- "All Night Slumber Party - Bring the boys and make some noise!!" I somehow couldn't find that age-appropriate) that he would "just meet them outside..." and he rushed off and left them there to wrestle with his luggage.
  
  I am stunned by any human that is that miserable. My jaw is still dropped open just a little bit. Dude, just off yourself if your life is that miserable and just exists to make everyone else miserable.
  
  Other than that, the flights were pretty good!
  

• THE THING: The game called: Safari Jack Remix.
  
• THE HAIKU REVIEW:
  
  
  

  A few simple rules...           You get playing in minutes.               Easy and novel.

  
  
• THE FULL REVIEW:
  Ah, another Cheapass Game. They make nifty stuff. For someone who collects games (like me), it's nice to have ones like Safari Jack for many reasons... let me count the ways...
  
  First, it's a nifty concept: You and an opponent are competing on safari -- you are each trying to collect the most animal samples. Safari! What could be more fun! OK, maybe 2 or 3 things, but it's still a fun, wild concept.
  
  Second, it's easy. A turn is just: pick a card, lay down a card, and move one space. There are 4 different terrains, and you need to place a terrain card adjacent to one of the same type. OR, you can place the card face down -- it acts as a 'base camp', which is a sort of wild card. If you get on a space that has a point value, you get that many points. You cannot move onto the tile you just laid down, so there is some serious strategy involved. Once someone gets to 15 points, the safari has been won... scoop up the cards and shuffle again.
  
  Third, it's quick. A game lasts about 11 to 13 minutes. The first game or two might take a little longer, but once you get into the swing of things, you can zip through a game. You can run through a few rounds on a lunch hour.
  
  Fourth, it's cheap! Five bucks! All you get are the cards and the directions in the pouch. You need to add tokens to act as your little safari venturing dude, and 2 sets of counters to mark the points that have been claimed. Some people whine about not getting all the necessary pieces, but it keeps the price down, and I always enjoy personalizing my cheapass games with my own tokens and counters. I went out and bought some glass-bead-nugget things in red and yellow to mark the two teams, and I made little safari-dude hats to march around the tiles. It's almost as if they were made for it. (Or at least I like the think so.)
  
  Fifth, it's small! It's part of the Cheapass Games Hip Pocket series. All the games are hip, AND fit in your pocket (thus, it's an appropriate name...)... hardly as large as a deck of cards. So, they are easy to tote, and easy to store.
  

Final Score on the Chris Worth Scale: $9.95. The game is actually just $5!! That is a steal. If you play it five or ten times, it's found its value... I hope you'll play this one a lot more...

• THE THING: This TV show: Most Extreme Elimination Challenge
  
• THE HAIKU REVIEW:
        Japanese game show
            entertaining painful stunts
                redubbed in English.
  
• THE FULL REVIEW:
  Most Extreme Elimination Challenge (MXC) is on the Spike TV network (it used to be TNN, which used to stand for The National Network, which used to stand for The Nashville Network... I think).
  
  Is it so wrong to enjoy watching people subject themselves to horribly painful stunts?
  
  I have no idea of the actual point of the show, because they change it from the original Japanese. The show is a dubbed-over portrayal of a show called Takeshi's Castle. They contestants have to get through bunches of obstacles to get to the castle. All are hilarious. The Spinning Surfboard of Death. Sinkers and Floaters. Brass Balls. Basically, they are all ways to beat up the contestants. They have to wear a helmet, so they generally don't get TOO hurt.
  
  The dubbing obviously has NOTHING to do with the original dialogue. They replace the original speech with rapid-fire lewd comments and single entendres. It's just funny.
  
  When they first had it on, there was a 4 hour marathon, and I think I sat through every episode.
  
  It will be a long time until I get sick of this show.
  
  But, I am easily pleased.
  
  Just watch it.
  

• THE THING: A Short History of Nearly Everything, by Bill Bryson, © 2003
  
• THE HAIKU REVIEW:
  
  
  

  To see a snapshot           of our world and our place here.               Humbling. Frightening.

  
  
• THE FULL REVIEW:
  Bill Bryson is a pretty groovy dude. Another of his books: A Walk in the Woods is a true American journal classic. It's almost Bloggy in its frank and friendly style.
  
  A Short History of Nearly Everything is a bit different. Bryson has decided to take a sort of snapshot of what we know, scientifically, and dish it out in a simple organized fashion. He has become a sort of scientific translator, taking science-speak, and converting into something closer to a vernacular.
  
  He did a decent job.
  
  One of the nice things about it is that everybody will be familiar with something in this book. Some of the text will harken back to your school days, or perhaps discuss something you are interested in, or familiar with in some little way. He then fits it into the Grand Scheme of knowledge -- it's nice to see how your little nugget of info is part of the body of knowledge we have right now.
  
  At least how it fits into what we think we know right now.
  
  A few critical bits: I'm not very happy with the way it was organized. Sometimes it seemed to go chronologically according to discoveries, and sometimes it seemed to go chronologically according to what was discovered. Rarely do these things seem to jive... as our technology gets better, we tend to learn more about things further in the past. I had some problems stringing it all together. I honestly don't have a better suggestion for a layout, I was just a bit discombobulated at times.
  
  Also, I wish (just a smidge) that he had eliminated a lot of the wrong and disproven theories. There are many points where Bryson describes how we got to a certain way of thinking by discussing the ideas and research that was wrong first. It makes sense to do that, really... part of the point of the book is learning from past mistakes, but with a book of this scope, it just flicked bits of stuff at me that distracted me from the rest.
  
  It's easy to read, and I do highly recommend it. There are obviously a bunch more things in science that we know that are not included, but it is a good time capsule, of sorts, for much of current science. And it will certain give you some topics that would make good conversation starters. Necrotizing fasciitis, the reconstitutional ability of sponges, the likelihood that a civilization-ending meteor impact would give us less than a second warning, the fact that Yellowstone Park has been due to blow a choking layer of dust across most of the US for at least 30,000 years.... fun stuff like that!
  

Final Score on the Chris Worth Scale: $18.75. And for something that comprehensively describes most of what your college textbooks (total cost, probably around $2000, depending on your course of study -- and science books are usually the most!) attempted, that is a pretty good price!