• THE THING: GIANT MICROBES!! (look out!)
  
• THE HAIKU REVIEW:
  
  
  
  

  if a regular           disease just isn't enough,               get it supersized!

  
  
• THE FULL REVIEW:
  We've been waiting for this for some time... Now you can get for yourself, or give to a friend, many of your favorite diseases!
  
  Rhinovirus!
  Streptococcus! (Yep, they have strep throat.)
  And what could be more sweet than giving a lover mono! Yes, they have the Epstein-Barr virus! Also, known as the kissing disease, you're sure to get lucky when you plant this 10,000,000:1 scale virus on your sweetie.
  
  They even have Porphorymonas Gingivalis. Yep, that's the sucker that causes bad breath.
  
  They even have a theoretical microbe -- FROM MARS!! (OK, OK, I might have to get that one. It's work related. Shut up.)
  
  Go browse around the site. Athlete's Foot, Ulcer causing microbes -- ALL your faves are here.
  

• THE THING: Steve Burns.
  
• THE HAIKU REVIEW:
        Once had a kids' show,
            is now a rock and roll star.
                He's my new hero.
  
• THE FULL REVIEW:
  Steve Burns rocks. Period.
  
  Go check him out!
  
  This is Steve Burns. The dude from Blues Clues. The show loved by little kids and their mothers and the occasional stoned college kids. And, Steve claims, Swedish au pairs.
  
  Well, now he's in a rock band.... and they are wonderful! Mighty Little Man is catchy as anything.... You can actually hear three whole songs from the album, if you want. It's way cool. He collaborated with at least one dude from the Flaming Lips. Geez.
  
  I think I need to buy this disc. Go listen.
  
  And as you persuse the webiste, realize how much he has not tried to distance himself from Blue's Clues. He realizes who he is and what he's accomplished and is proud of it all. It's quite nifty, really.
  
  
  

Two quick graffiti notes -- sans haiku (sorry! Or perhaps I should say "you're welcome!").

On the wall in one of the bathroom stalls in the men's room closest to my office someone wrote:

I LOVE BOB VILA

I thought it odd.


ALSO, above each urinal someone penned:

* bonk *

...right at forehead level. I think it is a frustration relief device; you can pee and bonk your head on the wall at the same time.

I might use it, at some point!

• THE THING: The life of Elliot Smith (1969-2003)
  
• THE HAIKU REVIEW:
        Sweet musicianship,
            unassuming vocalist,
                lyrics to ponder.
  
• THE FULL REVIEW:
  Damn -- woke up to discover that Elliot Smith had apparently killed himself with a knife to the chest.
  
  He has some wonderful stuff. I just about wore out the CD Figure 8... can you wear out a CD?? I swear I did. I'm hoping it still has a little life left in it so I can listen to it later.
  
  His music is gentle and smooth. His voice is always trying to express something, but you can almost hear a hesitation to it. His lyrics obviously have more to say than a casual listener could ever begin to understand. I still remember the first time I heard Son of Sam and thinking that it was the most creative arrangement I had heard in a long time. So, I bought the CD, and the second song turned out to be the most amazing guitar work I had heard in a while... check out Somebody that I Used to Know. Nice progression; easy to like.
  
  Other songs on Figure 8 include "Everything Means Nothing to Me", "Better Be Quiet Now", and "Easy Way Out". I suppose I shouldn't be too surprised that he was on a suicide path.
  
  But I can still be a but shocked and dismayed. And I am.
  
  Yeeps... he was basically my age.
  

• THE THING: The movie The Italian Job.
  
• THE HAIKU REVIEW:
        Honor among theives.
            When that gets disrespected,
                bad things may occur.
  
• THE FULL REVIEW:
  I rented the Italian Job from the campus movie rental. A buck a day -- you can't go wrong.
  
  I liked it! It was quite cool. If you've seen any preview for the movie, then you know what the premise is. If you haven't, just check it out. There are a couple a heists, and a series of events which tie them together. There's only bad guys, which is kind of nifty. It's not cops vs. robbers, it's robbers vs. robbers.
  
  I'm not sure why I liked it! There aren't any real twists or surprises. There are no long, drawn out fight scenes. There are no big firefights. The explosions which occur are precise and subdued. The was no novelty in the car chases.
  
  I guess the graceful cinematography, the easy acting, and the simplicity of the story are what gave me the good feelings as I was watching it. I won't run out and buy this, but if it's ever on TV, I might check it out again.
  
  There's nothing here to blow you away, but there is absolutely nothing wrong with it, I think.
  

Final Score on the Chris Worth Scale: A perfect $7. A very pleasant rental.

• THE THING: This movie: The Rundown
  
• THE HAIKU REVIEW:
        Deep like a puddle.
            Fighting. Shooting. Explosions.
                What did you expect?
  
• THE FULL REVIEW:
  I'm reviewing a movie which is starring someone who has named himself after a generic geological term. Oof.
  
  Actually, it was kind of fun. There are some nifty fight scenes. There are some deep entanglements. It's basically one big bungle in the jungle.
  
  The good: Action! There really was not much down time. There was some wild fight scenes. There was one where the Rock gets pretty obliterated by these South American martial arts masters. I never saw anybody punch so fast (except maybe Bruce Lee -- nod to Berchi).
  
  Christopher Walken was as Walken-esque as ever. That's always fun to watch. He did have some lines that felt like they were going somewhere but didn't. I can't really explain it, and it basically went with his character anyway, so I can't really complain.
  
  And the scenery was gorgeous. The photography was quite nice. There is one scene where they are focused on The Rock and his little clan of people in the woods, and the focus needs to switch to their pursuers -- there is a tremendous pan away and then zoom... it's really a nice effect. It obviously stuck with me. Look for it.
  
  The bad: (I don't think this is really a spoiler, sorry if it is...) The movie spents an unprecedented amount of time talking about how The Rock's character does not like guns. They harp on it for a while. It's brought up in about 1/2 of the scenes. And they lean towards explaining it, but they just never do. It seemed like such an important part of the tale, and it just got left dangling. What an icky loose end for me. Perhaps I'm expecting too much from a movie of this ilk.
  
  The ugly: Seann William Scott. I don't know why, but this guy annoys the piss out of me. He's probably supposed to but.... urg. Every time he got punched in the face, I wanted to stand up and cheer. He had a funny moment when he was trying to take a leak in the woods -- the problem: his hands were tied behind his back. Besides that he was just weasel-y. Perhaps it's the American Pie tie-in that bugs me -- it's one of the only movies I had to turn off in the middle because I despised it so. And I'm usually easily amused.
  
  Maybe it's the extra "n" he added to his name somewhere around 1999.
  
  Maybe I should rent "Dude, Where's My Car?" He was probably very good in that.
  

Final Score on the Chris worth scale: $6... The price of the matinee I went to see. It was just right.

• THE THING: A house closing
  
• THE HAIKU REVIEW:
        Never sell a house.
            Nice people become evil,
                and lawyers lick ass.
  
• THE FULL REVIEW:
  I've been away from Blogging for a while... I wondered if I still remembered how.
  
  Apparently, I do.
  
  So we closed on a house last night. It was not fun at all. The whole process started out nice -- nice people, we did a lot of things for them -- cut the price of the house by $13,000, let them store stuff in the yards, take days off work to have different people come to the house to look at things, make special trips to the house so they could measure and test paint colors, let their whole family come, uninvited, to hang out there.
  
  And then they turned around and screwed us. They had agreed to assume the sewer assessment, which was about $900 a year... turned out to be $8000 all together. Well, the contract we signed didn't include any mention of it. We didn't know it was supposed to be in there! APPARENTLY, if it's not in there, in falls to the seller. Our lawyer tells us this AFTER WE SIGNED THE DAMN THING! He tells us that is the way the law is, and that we should have known and made sure it was in there. I immediately wondered what we were paying him for!!! If we're supposed to know everything we could just do it OURSELVES! And he is a whiny, sniveling little worm. So I asked what we could do... he said, "Nothing. That's the law. You will lose if you try to fight this. The best you could hope for is tieing it up in the court system for two years, at the end of which you will still lose." Great.
  
  So I call the buyers to try to appeal to their sense of morality. Apparently their lawyers had scraped that away before I got to them. They caved a little, but they really just gave us a token amount to appease the whiny sellers. The whiny sellers who have given them EVERYTHING -- a BRAND NEW stove, a practically new washer and dishwasher, and we left about $1000 of lawn care equipment (hedge trimmers, lawnmower, weedwacker, fertilizer/seed sprayer, and other random tools) to welcome them to the new house! I'm glad I haven't mowed in 2 months.
  
  Basically, our lawyer screwed us, they're lawyer screwed us more, and the buyers backed them up.
  
  My only hope is that the deer have wandered through enough of the knee deep grass to deposit thousands of Lyme Disease ridden ticks that will infect them and their offspring with an incurable debilitating disease.
  
  I don't get angry. Ever. Not really -- I mean I make jokey empty threats at drivers that annoy me, and I never wish people ill. But now I'm angry. I don't like it.
  
  And, although it doesn't feel like it -- at least it is over.
  

• THE THING: Some plane flights I just had.
  
• THE HAIKU REVIEW:
        Getting on a plane
            is always an adventure.
                People frighten me.
  
• THE FULL REVIEW:
  I'm BAAAaaaaAAAACK!
  
  Sorry, everyone, for the break in writing. I only think about 3 people ever look at this Blog, so I could actually apologize to all of you personally. I was away for a little while, and just returned from a grandparental visit to South Carolina. There were 4 airplane flights required to get there (2 hops on the way down, 2 back). I feel kind of cheap and dirty complaining about air travel -- you might as well complain that the Arctic is chilly -- but there is Blogging to be done!
  
  First, I must whine about the process of getting on a plane. We were sitting towards the back of the plane on one of the legs of the trip, and they usually load up the plane starting from the back, so we were called to load ourselves up onto the plane pretty early on. First they call for people with special needs and 1st class, then they start with the high rows and move their way forward. This is for efficiency... the people heading for the back can cram their oversized luggage into the overhead rack -- it doesn't slow down the loading process.
  
  As we got on, my father noted, as we were waiting for someone in row 8 to cram his 6 foot tall garment bag into an overhead compartment, and looking around at the smattering of seats filled with bodies, "Why are all these people near the front already on the plane? I don't see any babies or people with special needs!" And he was right. As soon as they opened the plane, the people just went on as they felt like it. Why can't people just get on when they are called? This way, we don't all get squished into the front of the plane while some mushbrain tries to cram the entire inventory of the first floor of Macy's into a bin the size of a glove compartment.
  
  Perhaps I heard them wrong -- the public address system in Charlotte may have had a little static -- it might have said, "Now boarding flight 873 for Atlanta. We will start by boarding First Class, small children travelling alone, people with special needs, or any weenis who thinks he can just do whatever he damn well pleases, and will do whatever he feels like anyway." I know that dude in row 8 would have jumped up for that.
  
  On one of the legs there was another annoying human. He was sitting directly in front of me. He didn't bug me directly, but I sincerely felt for the flight attendants. He had a little trouble with his tray table. He tried to put his tray table up, and turn the little latch to hold it, but it only went over the tray a smidge, and when the plane started to taxi, it fell down towards him. He complained to the stewardess as we were heading for the runway. She asked him to hold it up for a minute until we take off and she would look at it in the air.
  
  My father was across the aisle, and noticed that a magazine was crammed up underneath the tray, and that was the cause of this man's woe. Dad pointed it out, but annoying little man didn't want to hear it at all. He just bit back, "NO! It's broken!" and proceeded to slam it against the seat in front of him with a vigor that the person in that seat could not have appreciated.
  
  Once we were in the air, the stewardess drifted back, and he went all sorts of ballistic: "THIS WON'T STAY UP!" Slam! Slam! Slam! "This is an FAA violation, you realize!" Slam! Slam! "You need to fix this immediately!" Slam! He said it with a tone that suggested that the entire situation was the fault of the flight attendant, and that she should whip out her tray fixing kit and repair it on the spot. She offered to reseat him bit he snarled, "I'm sitting with my family!" His wife and daughter were curled up like snails, seemingly trying to pretend he didn't exist.
  
  He had a newspaper with him, and decided that it would help if jammed the sunday edition of the New York times behind the tray table. He then slammed the tray up a few more times. If it wasn't broken before, bending the tray table around an inch and a half of crumpled newspaper took care of that.
  
  The plane landed, and he told his wife and 8ish year old child (who had a shirt on which said something like -- "All Night Slumber Party - Bring the boys and make some noise!!" I somehow couldn't find that age-appropriate) that he would "just meet them outside..." and he rushed off and left them there to wrestle with his luggage.
  
  I am stunned by any human that is that miserable. My jaw is still dropped open just a little bit. Dude, just off yourself if your life is that miserable and just exists to make everyone else miserable.
  
  Other than that, the flights were pretty good!
  

• THE THING: The game called: Safari Jack Remix.
  
• THE HAIKU REVIEW:
  
  
  

  A few simple rules...           You get playing in minutes.               Easy and novel.

  
  
• THE FULL REVIEW:
  Ah, another Cheapass Game. They make nifty stuff. For someone who collects games (like me), it's nice to have ones like Safari Jack for many reasons... let me count the ways...
  
  First, it's a nifty concept: You and an opponent are competing on safari -- you are each trying to collect the most animal samples. Safari! What could be more fun! OK, maybe 2 or 3 things, but it's still a fun, wild concept.
  
  Second, it's easy. A turn is just: pick a card, lay down a card, and move one space. There are 4 different terrains, and you need to place a terrain card adjacent to one of the same type. OR, you can place the card face down -- it acts as a 'base camp', which is a sort of wild card. If you get on a space that has a point value, you get that many points. You cannot move onto the tile you just laid down, so there is some serious strategy involved. Once someone gets to 15 points, the safari has been won... scoop up the cards and shuffle again.
  
  Third, it's quick. A game lasts about 11 to 13 minutes. The first game or two might take a little longer, but once you get into the swing of things, you can zip through a game. You can run through a few rounds on a lunch hour.
  
  Fourth, it's cheap! Five bucks! All you get are the cards and the directions in the pouch. You need to add tokens to act as your little safari venturing dude, and 2 sets of counters to mark the points that have been claimed. Some people whine about not getting all the necessary pieces, but it keeps the price down, and I always enjoy personalizing my cheapass games with my own tokens and counters. I went out and bought some glass-bead-nugget things in red and yellow to mark the two teams, and I made little safari-dude hats to march around the tiles. It's almost as if they were made for it. (Or at least I like the think so.)
  
  Fifth, it's small! It's part of the Cheapass Games Hip Pocket series. All the games are hip, AND fit in your pocket (thus, it's an appropriate name...)... hardly as large as a deck of cards. So, they are easy to tote, and easy to store.
  

Final Score on the Chris Worth Scale: $9.95. The game is actually just $5!! That is a steal. If you play it five or ten times, it's found its value... I hope you'll play this one a lot more...

• THE THING: This TV show: Most Extreme Elimination Challenge
  
• THE HAIKU REVIEW:
        Japanese game show
            entertaining painful stunts
                redubbed in English.
  
• THE FULL REVIEW:
  Most Extreme Elimination Challenge (MXC) is on the Spike TV network (it used to be TNN, which used to stand for The National Network, which used to stand for The Nashville Network... I think).
  
  Is it so wrong to enjoy watching people subject themselves to horribly painful stunts?
  
  I have no idea of the actual point of the show, because they change it from the original Japanese. The show is a dubbed-over portrayal of a show called Takeshi's Castle. They contestants have to get through bunches of obstacles to get to the castle. All are hilarious. The Spinning Surfboard of Death. Sinkers and Floaters. Brass Balls. Basically, they are all ways to beat up the contestants. They have to wear a helmet, so they generally don't get TOO hurt.
  
  The dubbing obviously has NOTHING to do with the original dialogue. They replace the original speech with rapid-fire lewd comments and single entendres. It's just funny.
  
  When they first had it on, there was a 4 hour marathon, and I think I sat through every episode.
  
  It will be a long time until I get sick of this show.
  
  But, I am easily pleased.
  
  Just watch it.
  

• THE THING: A Short History of Nearly Everything, by Bill Bryson, © 2003
  
• THE HAIKU REVIEW:
  
  
  

  To see a snapshot           of our world and our place here.               Humbling. Frightening.

  
  
• THE FULL REVIEW:
  Bill Bryson is a pretty groovy dude. Another of his books: A Walk in the Woods is a true American journal classic. It's almost Bloggy in its frank and friendly style.
  
  A Short History of Nearly Everything is a bit different. Bryson has decided to take a sort of snapshot of what we know, scientifically, and dish it out in a simple organized fashion. He has become a sort of scientific translator, taking science-speak, and converting into something closer to a vernacular.
  
  He did a decent job.
  
  One of the nice things about it is that everybody will be familiar with something in this book. Some of the text will harken back to your school days, or perhaps discuss something you are interested in, or familiar with in some little way. He then fits it into the Grand Scheme of knowledge -- it's nice to see how your little nugget of info is part of the body of knowledge we have right now.
  
  At least how it fits into what we think we know right now.
  
  A few critical bits: I'm not very happy with the way it was organized. Sometimes it seemed to go chronologically according to discoveries, and sometimes it seemed to go chronologically according to what was discovered. Rarely do these things seem to jive... as our technology gets better, we tend to learn more about things further in the past. I had some problems stringing it all together. I honestly don't have a better suggestion for a layout, I was just a bit discombobulated at times.
  
  Also, I wish (just a smidge) that he had eliminated a lot of the wrong and disproven theories. There are many points where Bryson describes how we got to a certain way of thinking by discussing the ideas and research that was wrong first. It makes sense to do that, really... part of the point of the book is learning from past mistakes, but with a book of this scope, it just flicked bits of stuff at me that distracted me from the rest.
  
  It's easy to read, and I do highly recommend it. There are obviously a bunch more things in science that we know that are not included, but it is a good time capsule, of sorts, for much of current science. And it will certain give you some topics that would make good conversation starters. Necrotizing fasciitis, the reconstitutional ability of sponges, the likelihood that a civilization-ending meteor impact would give us less than a second warning, the fact that Yellowstone Park has been due to blow a choking layer of dust across most of the US for at least 30,000 years.... fun stuff like that!
  

Final Score on the Chris Worth Scale: $18.75. And for something that comprehensively describes most of what your college textbooks (total cost, probably around $2000, depending on your course of study -- and science books are usually the most!) attempted, that is a pretty good price!

• THE THING: The kid peeing in the parking lot
  
• THE HAIKU REVIEW:
        I'm not a parent
            nor do I wish to be, if
                you have to do this.
  
• THE FULL REVIEW:
  OK, I do work with a lot of little kids. But I'm not much in the way of parenting, and I've never really had a parental urge. I just don't get kids and kid care. I cannot begin to explain how horrified I was today... Maybe if you are a parent, it's not a big deal, but for me... well, there was horror.
  
  I was going to the mall. The mall is a safe, innocent place to go. It has lots of shops and things to look at. It has free air conditioning when it is hot out. And today, it was HOT out.
  
  On the way into the mall, standing next to a van, was a mom and her son. He must have been somewhere between 1 and 2 years old. ANd he must have had to go to the bathroom. As I glanced back, he was standing there, arms akimbo. His pants were around his ankles. His mom was holding little willy at attention, and he was proudly peeing onto the parking lot. In plain sight. It was odd and horrible. That sight is going to haunt me for a long while.
  
  And I was totally flabbergasted! How did they get that point? Does the kid just say, "Mommy, I have to pee!", and then Mom tells him, "Well, Joey, whip out the little nubbin, and I'll point it in the right direction, and you can just let fly!"
  
  I don't think I could ever be a parent.
  

• THE THING: Origami Boulders
  
• THE HAIKU REVIEW:
  
  
  
  

  new twist on classic           paper folding art; brilliant               business idea!

  
  
• THE FULL REVIEW:
  Genius.
  
  Pure genius.
  
  It's a rare commidty. All the good ideas have been thought of already! The sponge. The jar. The pencil. The shoelace. Q-tips. Gummi candy. Scotch tape. Dial tones. Back scratchers. Pringles. A dustpan. College-ruled lined paper. The harmonica. Those cool folding camp chairs. Frisbees. Etch a Sketch. Welcome mats. Oral thermometers. Paper airplanes. Moccasins. The Invisible Dog Leash.
  
  What's left? There's nothing left!
  
  Alas, I was wrong. Someone, whose abilities can only be described as artistic genius, designed a new must-have product.
  
  The Origami Boulder. It's the ultimate desktop or shelf-top design element. And room in your house will feel the feng shui emminating from an origami boulder. Each is an original hand made work of art.
  
  I think everyone's getting boulders for christmas from me this year.
  
  [And scroll down to the bottom and read the "Letters from Dumb Dumbs". I almost wet myself. People get so worked up over some silly things.]
  

• THE THING: The Homestar Runner website
  
• THE HAIKU REVIEW:
  
  
  
  

  ingenously drawn,           skillfully animated,               and funny as hell.

  
  
  
• THE FULL REVIEW:
  This is WAY too overdue. I have been addicted to the Homestar Runner world for a while now. I'm not exactly sure how long, but many, many months have elapsed since I first happened upon this wonderful outpost on the Internet...
  
  So, why do I go there? Well, go see. Peruse the cartoons... the animation comes in more styles than I can mention. There is the regular Homstar Runner gang, but there is also cartoons based on animation from the 1920's -- a sort of parallel universe. The full-length cartoons are hilarious, but the shorts are sweet nuggets of funniness, too. Strong Bad answers e-mails on, generally, a weekly basis, with humorous results!
  
  The characters are brilliantly built --
  Homestar Runner ("It's dot com!!")
  Marzipan ("I'm the only girl!")
  The Strong Brothers:
  Strong Bad ("You don't know it yet, but I'M the reason you're here. Check me out. No, seriously, check me out")
  Strong Mad ("KEEP IT ROLLIN'!!", and Strong Sad ("I always get locked in the bathtub.")
  
  There's Bubs, the concession stand owner (you just have to see him), Coach Z ("..pronounced with an 'oach Z'!"), and The Poopsmith, who does, indeed, smith the poop, and is currently respecting a vow of silence. Pom Pom and The King of Town round out the crew. Well, there is the "typo character": Homsar ("Don't look now, I'm just a friendly reminder"), who could be the funniest of all, in a surrealistic sort of way.
  
  The allusions riddled throughout are incredible. The Strong Bad e-mails are worth watching a few times to see the odd hidden interactive parts scattered throughout.
  
  There's a couple games in there, too... the Trogdor (the Burninator) game is unbelievably fun, in an Atari 2600 sort of way.
  
  The Homestar Runner site is exactly what web-based entertainment should be. Seriously.
  

• THE THING: Getting everything out of the attic.
  
• THE HAIKU REVIEW:
        Steps, dust, sweat, dark, low.
            Forty silverfish, one for
                each attic visit.
  
• THE FULL REVIEW:
  Today was Get Everything Out of The Attic Day! And I have succeeded!
  
  I am amazed. It has to be 120 degrees up there. And it took me forty trips (YEP, I counted!) up and back to get everything out. A few things (sleeping bags, and a couple other soft things) could be tossed down gently, but mostly I had to lug it all down a box at a time. Whoof.
  
  I am going to rename the attic The Silverfish Sauna. Each time I went up, it seemed, I saw another one basking in the ultra-tropical splendor that is the attic. I actually don't think I killed as many as forty, but I did squash a bunch of those little buggers as I was up there. I'm pretty sure I got the whole lot of them. None survived -- at least that is what is going on my report.
  
  Now I am filling up the tub with some lukewarm water to bring down my body temperature. Seriously, right now I am hot blooded. Check it, and see. I've got a fever of 103.
  

• THE THING: This book: Mobius Highway by Howard V. Hendrix
  
• THE HAIKU REVIEW:
  
  
  
  

  poetically ripe,           prognosticatingly told,               science fiction tales.

  
  
• THE FULL REVIEW:
  This is a collection of a dozen or so short sci fi stories. There is a bit of variety here... but they seemed to have little threads which chained them together.
  
  The stories were rife with socio-politico-religio-techno-predictions. Example: there are a couple stories which take place in the not-too-distant future, where the stars on the American flag have been replaced with a single white cross. VERY interesting...
  
  There is some cyberpunk-ian moments, which are always groovy to read, I think. It drifts from descriptive narrative-y things to violence and hate crimes, pretty fluidly. The shortest tale is a nearly incomprehensible poem, of sorts, called "Chameleon on a Mirror". The concept behind the title involves the consideration of: What colors would a chameleon turn if you were to place it in a box which was lined exclusively with mirrors? It was kind of a fun thing to think about for a few seconds...
  
  I ripped through most of them quickly (though, for the time that it spent on my "Currently reading.." list, it wouldn't seem so!), and enjoyed nearly all in some fashion.
  

Final Score on the Chris Worth Scale: $5.09. Which is exactly how much I paid for it... I think that's the first time that has happened.

• THE THING: The USA TV show called Monk.
  
• THE HAIKU REVIEW:
  
  
  
  

  Detective series           that is clever and funny.               Neurotically great!

  
  
• THE FULL REVIEW:
  I have been wanting to see this show for at least a year now. I somehow find Tony Shalhoub extremely funny. He was in Barton Fink, and the Men in Black movies. He was even funny in Wings, and, dare I say it, Stark Raving Mad.
  
  But I had no idea how good he can be. He's a detective who seems to have some neurotic disorders. He's sort of obsessive compulsive, with a great attention to detail. He seems to be a savant, somewhat, as well. This makes for a fine detective!
  
  I never really thought of myself as a fan of crime shows. That is, until I realized that I would watch Columbo any time it was on. My Law & Order addiction has reached medicate-able levels. If you can cram a good actor, a bunch of humor, and a decent detective story into the same show.... well, we certainly have something!
  
  I know I've only seen a single episode, but I can't recommend this program enough. I enjoyed it from the start. The acting is enjoyable. The crime/detective parts are creative and puzzling. The character subtext is involved, but they give you enough information so you can jump right in.
  
  And I recommend that you jump right in.
  
  [LATER EDITION UPDATE: Holy moley!! HOW COULD I FORGET Galaxy Quest!! Dang, that was funny -- especially for a geek like me. And Tony was amazing in that film. Amazing. I know I am going to get in trouble for saying this, but only Johhny Depp is as flexible an actor. Seriously -- Johnny Depp (did you see Edward Scissorhands? Did you see Ed Wood? Did you see Blow? Amazing.), and Tony Shalhoub -- numbers 1 and 2 in my book. SERIOUSLY.
  
  Seriously.]
  

• THE THING: The graffiti in the bathroom.
  
• THE HAIKU REVIEW:
        Writing on the wall.
            Are they artists or vandals?
                Probably neither.
  
• THE FULL REVIEW:
  Yes, I am about to do a review of what some fellows wrote while taking a poop.
  
  What is it about being in a toilet stall that causes people to feel inspired to write on the wall? Can someone tell me, please?
  
  Of course, the writing is usually vile, sometimes interesting, and occasionally cryptic.
  
  Here's a couple of writings I've noticed --
  
  Someone wrote:
  

  Only thru [sic] pain are we truly alive.

  
  Someone else decided to respond:
  

  Pain is only an illusion.

  
  And a final answer, which appeared, due to its placement and sentiment, to be directed at both of them:
  

  You are SO cliché.

  
  
  I thought it was some intrepid conversation for a bathroom stall wall. I mean, this is deep stuff... deeper than the bowl next to which it is written...
  
  Another quick one before I go... someone had written, quite a while ago, the following:
  

  Celine Dion is beautiful.

  
  
  For weeks that stood there, unadulterated on the bathroom wall. It was high up, in a very reverent position as graffiti goes. I couldn't imagine how people could just let that stay there, and not place a witty, abusive rejoinder!
  
  Finally, I noticed that someone had written some advice for the author of the above message:
  

  Kill yourself.

  
  
  That's better.
  
  

• THE THING: Trying to find a kid-friendly myth.
  
• THE HAIKU REVIEW:
        Looking for a tale
            related to the night sky
                that is G-rated.
  
• THE FULL REVIEW:
  Why do all the myths and legends of the night sky have to do with violence and horror and perverse sexuality??
  
  Every other month I do a storytellting show for little kids in the Planetarium... I have to search around for kid-safe stories. When it comes to classic myths and legends, there are VERY few. It doesn't matter what culture it was, the ancient people's had exclusively adult content when it came to constellation stories.
  
  Here's a couple examples:
  
  A Native American story goes like this:
  

  "The Coyote liked to show off to the girls by juggling his eyeballs. One day he threw one so high it stuck in the sky."

  
  You just can't tell that to 3 year olds!
  
  We could go with the standard Greek stories, but those are filled with adultery, incest, murder and lies! Vicious murders and lies! AND, apparently the major Greek gods were members of NAMBLA:
  

  "Ganymede is the young, beautiful boy that became one of Zeus’ lovers."

  
  I really don't want to support man-god-boy love in my shows.
  
  The Asian cultures were just as bad. They have tons of stories, as well. Many are interesting, of course, but I just can't use them. Like this:
  

  "A particular myth tells of when the man in the moon (Kidili) attempted to rape the first woman, Wati-kutjara threw a magical boomerang which severed the rapist's genitals."

  
  
  For a children's show, I try to avoid the words 'severed', 'rapist', AND 'genitals'.
  
  

• THE THING: Finding an apartment.
  
• THE HAIKU REVIEW:
        An aprtment hunt
            which may have ended quickly...
                I hope not too quick!
  
• THE FULL REVIEW:
  So I have to find myself a place to live! Looks like the house is closing on September 18th. We just had a home inspection; as long a Mr. Inspector Man doesn't suggest we should tear down and rebuild, I think it's on!
  
  So I'm looking... the ad that caught my eye said the following:
  
  

  1 Br lakefrt, Fplc, W/D, Utils incl for one prof'l. $975

  
  There was also a location and a phone number listed, but with all my problems with stalkers lately, I figured I'd leave that info off.
  
  The only thing that was concerning me was the "...for one prof'l." bit. What does that mean? I checked my Electronic Pocket Oxford English Dictionary, and the only word that starts with 'prof' and ends with 'l' is "professional". I might not fit into that category. Am I a professional? I'm an astronomer... does that qualify me as a professional? I can't be sure.
  
  The only other word that it could have stood for that I could find in there was "profiterole"... but that seems to be a chocolate-covered cream puff. I might be considered a cream puff, in the athletic sense.
  
  Anyway, the ad sounded perfect! Lakefront... I live by a lake now! Fireplace... it was a household requirement when I was house shopping before!
  
  So I called the guy and went over to check it out. I really like a bunch of things, but I am in the middle of a little mental debate.
  
  A good thing: It's easy to get to, and certainly no further away from work than I am now.
  
  A bad thing: The apartment is kind of small. The kitchen is very galley. Almost a closet. I will need to buy a little island to have some counter space.
  
  A good thing: It is right on the water, the view of the lake is amazing. There is a wide deck onto which you are led by double doors flanked by tall windows. And I have access to the lake! I can bring the boat!! And no lake fees! I can even swim right off the dock behind the house. Oh, and the owner has a jacuzzi on the deck that I am free to use. And there is plenty of room on the deck for my yard furniture (I built that table! Sort of...) and the grill.
  
  A bad thing: It's somewhat small. It has an eat-in living room.
  
  A good thing: It has a bar in the living room. A BAR! Also, there is a liquor store and an Italian restaurant within easy walking distance. If you know me, you're probably wondering why I haven't moved in already.
  
  A bad thing: It's quite small. The bedroom is really a raised area without full-sized walls around it. There are half-high divider walls.
  
  A good thing: It has a fireplace. Well, really a wood-burning stove. But that's FINE! Might even be better... the more contained the fire is, the better. And the guy who owns the place (he lives in the top half of the house) gets wood that apparently I can use! Sweet.
  
  A bad thing: It's rather small. I'm not exactly sure where the couch would go. Loveseat -- no problem! I might be able to put the couch on the bar...
  
  A good thing: It's just a single apartment. I get to park in the driveway. There are no neighbors, except for the guy upstairs. He lives alone and seems real laid back.
  
  A bad thing: It's really small. I will need a storage unit or two to hang on to most of my stuff. You know, I always though I had too much stuff, anyway. But it is seriously small, even for having little stuff. Apparently, there used to be a couple living there. They must have been conjoined twins.
  
  A good thing: All is included in the rental price. Electric, heat, water, cable, everything. The only thing that is not is the phone. Maybe I'll just get a cell phone with unlimited minutes. *-gulp-* I ditched my cell phone a while back -- I don't know if I can return to the land of the cellular zombies.
  
  A bad thing: It is small. The cat will think she is still in her cat carrier once I let her out.
  
  It seems that there are a ton of GOODs and just one decent-sized BAD. I think I can overcome it. Also, it will be a month-to-month lease, so if it is way too much for me to handle, I can always bail after 6 months or something.
  
  I shall keep us posted...