This weekend I watched Equilibrium.

A simple story		A complicated tale
Seen it before		A fresh perspective
Visually ordinary		Special effects-y

Why had I never heard of this film?? It was a good one for me. It had elements of many sci-fi movies I like... Matrix, Dark City, stuff like that. I liked it a bunch.

The point of the film: The people in charge decide that the only way to prevent warfare is to prevent people from getting all emotional about things. They make a drug that removes the furor and excitement that leads to war. It actually deadens all emotions. Having any emotions at all is a Sense Offense. There is, of course, and underground which deals in feelings....

But how do you enforce such a thing? Well, there are these Clerics who are sort of empathic -- they feel when others feel. They find the Sense Offenders, and, generally, shoot them.

If you like action/adventure and science fiction with a little dash of something-to-think-about, this is a good pick. If you don't like people taking a bullet, I would steer clear of the film -- many folks get taken down. And the bloodletting gets more real and bloody as the film progresses.

There are some problems with the concept -- everyone is supposed to be completely unfeeling, but even the Clerics, the most unfeeling off all, have pride and loyalty. One Cleric even tells another how happy he was that they were working together. You might want to leave words like "happy" out of the language of someone who has no feeling. They sort of explain it away a little as being words that we have used forever, and we still use them in the same context, even if they have no meaning. It's brought up a couple times in the film, in terms of using phrases like "I'm sorry," as being just a rejoinder to some event, rather than something that has actual meaning. And we all do stuff like that all the time -- next time someone asks, "How ya doin?" answer truthfully, don't just say, "Fine."

Overall, the movie succeeded on most levels, so I recommend it! Good for watching, and for talking about afterward.

Last weekend I watched Underworld.

A simple story		A complicated tale
Seen it before		A fresh perspective
Visually ordinary		Special effects-y

It was way poorer than I expected. They effectively used slow-motion, camera angles, editing, bland color palettes, sound effects, and actors that all look exactly alike to completely obfuscate what could have been a pleasant, exciting story.

The opening scene which takes place in a subway and involves a lot of shooting really set the tone. I had no idea who was shooting at whom. The whole time I was thinking, "Didn't they just show that guy in a different place?" I'm not sure if one guy was moving around, or the actors just looked so much alike that I was unknowingly thinking of two different people singly.

I guess there is kind of big twist towards the end, but by that time you probably don't care -- you just want all of them, Vampires, Werewolves, whatever, to just kind of kill each other off.

If there is ever a Mystery Science Theater 4000, I would recommend this as the first installment. I was cracking jokes at the screen the whole time.

There is some shooting, there is some action, there are some semi-decent special effects when the werewolves are far away (when they are close they just look like rubber masks), but it is WAY too long. And the soundtrack is horrible. The music has lots of industrial thumps and slams at ridiculous places, making you think that door are being slammed and people are jumping around when none of that is happening. The sound is possibly the most distracting of all.

My candidate!

I've been agonizing over who to vote for in the next election for some time now. It is obviously not Bush. He can't even wipe the lying smirk off his face. You can see the little thought bubble over his head, "I can't believe they're buying this stuff! I don't even believe what I'm saying! Don't laugh... don't laugh... Hey, somebody prop up Dick Cheney! He's falling over."

Anyone who knows me well knows that I cannot endorse Kerry, the "frontrunner". It's because he has a long face. I don't like horses, pointy-nose dogs, or Jay Leno. The long face freaks me out for some reason. And Kerry's got a long one. Somebody push that silly putty back in place, and we'll talk.

John Edwards was my man for a long time. He's a nice guy, and he kept his promise of announcing his candidacy on The Daily Show before the "official" announcement the next day. The problem with Edwards -- Stephen Colbert summed it up after John Edwards kept his promise -- "It's just this kind of honesty and integrity that will make it impossible for him to attain the presidency."

And then there's Dean. He's always seemed a little crazy. I'm surprised he hasn't spontaneously lashed out and bitten anyone on his tour yet.

So my endorsement goes for the fellow on this shabbily put together website recycled from 4 years ago.

[This one might be construed as foul, but I have to go with it...]

This is a graffiti report, of sorts.

I was in the usual bathroom stall, and someone had written something offensive to some group of people. I might have been offensive to african americans or gay americans, it actually doesn't matter. What matters is the response -- someone wrote, directly beneath the offensive message, simply this:

"Asshoe"

It was as clear as anything. The penmanship was exceptional, and the placement was such that it was an obvious response. It wasn't as if the missing letter was wiped off, or glommed in together with another letter, it was just not there.

So then I was thinking that maybe the author meant "Asshoe". Maybe it's the name of a band I haven't heard of (and it's a darn good name, if you ask me!).

Or maybe it's the name of a new product! The Asshoe!

Do you find it a hassle to wipe after using the toilet? Well, Wilson™ lawn products has the answer for you! The Asshoe. With a sturdy oak handle, and a metal scraping device situated at a perfect 90 degree angle, it is the personal cleansing device you've been waiting for. Durable, convenient and dishwasher-safe. The Asshoe, from Wilson™. Available now at drugstores and home centers everywhere.

This could be a new trend...

Wilson™ home products toiletry line introduces the new Wilson™ Personal Bidet. A fresh, cool spray of cleansing water is the perfect way to end a trip to the bathroom. The Wilson™ Personal Bidet is 50 ft. of green hose designed for both indoor and outdoor use. You'll be feeling squeaky clean all day after using the Wilson™ Personal Bidet. AND, with our nozzle attachments, you can adjust the strength and width of the flow, for maximum effectiveness. And don't forget to try the Wilson™ Asshoe! Available soon at drugstores and home centers everywhere.

I have to jump in on the Janet Jackson thing. Now, listen, I really don't care about her OR the Superbowl -- I saw none of it. I am just sick of hearing about her little boobout on national television.

I was reading about the Pepsi commercial/video with some pop singers doing "We Will Rock You" in a gladiator arena on Elizabeth's blog. I went to that web site, and, when scrolling down found a couple bits about Superbowl ads.

Many people are complaining that Janet's boob was forced upon them. Did anybody complain about the commercials?!?

The quote that really jumped out at me and slammed the issue home was this:

"One of a number of crotch-focused Super Bowl ads..." **

But, apparently 1.72 seconds of a nipple-covered breast is more damaging to our fragile youth.



** - the complete quote:

"One of a number of crotch-focused Super Bowl ads, this one features two dog owners who meet near a cabin in the woods to demonstrate their animals' skills at retrieving bottles of Bud Light. The winning dog attacks the genitals of one man, forcing him to throw his bottle of Bud Light into the air. The other man catches it and smiles wickedly."

MY NEW GUITAR!

This weekend, I bought a Silvertone Sovereign Special Paul Stanley guitar! Check that thing out. What a crazy purchase.

I have been wanting a new electric guitar for a while. I did not want to spend more than $200... I don't play out at all, it's just a toy. For fun. I went out this weekend with the goal of coming home packing ax.

I saw a bunch of very nice Fender guitars (kind of what I wanted), but none were less than $350. That is just too much to spend on what will really be a big old toy.

The guitar you see to the left was in the window. It kind of called to me. I grabbed it, sort of jokingly... "A Paul Stanley guitar! Hee hee!"

This is very important: I am not a Kiss fan. It's not that I don't like them; they can play some rocking tunes! But there is absolutely NO REASON for me to own a Paul Stanley guitar. NONE. I do not now, nor have I EVER owned any music by Kiss. Owning this guitar would be silly.

So I knew pretty quickly it was exactly what would have to happen.

ALSO, the pick guard, and the ornament up by the tuning knobs are MIRRORS. Mirrors! This actually matches my bar, which is covered with shards of glass. (No part of my apartment is child friendly.) The guitar-bar connection certainly helped to seal the deal.

The sticker price: $199.00.

It was way too perfect.

I asked to take it for a test drive... they gave me a cable and an amp which had reverb and distortion built in. I sloppily ran through some warm-up type stuff on this out of tune window model. I played some open chords -- awesome. I played some power chords -- awesome. I played through a punked version of I Ain't Your Steppin' Stone by the Monkees -- AWESOME**. As I played, the new strings fell more out of tune, and the reverb and distortion just enhanced the dissonance.

I was in love.

It's mine.





** (Steppin Stone: play bar/power chords based on E: E - G - A - C for the verse and chorus...each chord is a little higher up the neck... there is a quick E - GAG thing after each chorus that just is super fast and rocking. Awesome.)

Last night I watched Killers From Space...

A simple story		A complicated tale
Seen it before		A fresh perspective
Visually ordinary		Special effects-y

I have this odd attraction towards movies that are so bad that they are good. This movie is perfectly awe-ful (sic). It stars a young Peter Graves as a nuclear scientist observing the first nuclear tests from an airplane. The controls of his plane freeze up over the nuclear test site, and he crash lands. His body is not found, but he is assumed dead.

Soon after, he is found staggering back to the military base. He has no memory of the crash, and he is perfectly healthy, except for an odd scar on his chest.

Eventually, his memory does return, and he begins babbling about some subterranean aliens, breeding giant-sized versions of insects and reptiles, that are plotting to destroy the world! Of course, everyone thinks he's a nut.

Peter Graves is actually pretty good, but my brain kept flashing to him as the pilot in Airplane who asks the little boy "Have you ever seen a a grown man naked?" That was a little distracting. Humorous, but distracting.

The alien makeup was just great. In order to make aliens, they used what look like half ping pong balls with little holes in them to give them bug-out eyes. THAT WAS IT. Hilarious. Sometimes the holes weren't lined up very well, so they looked googly-eyed. OH! AND soon after Peter Graves comes back from the crash, he's having a nightmare where he sees JUST these eyes in front of him. They show this vision of the floating eyes before you ever actually see the aliens, and all I could think during that first vision scene was "Why is Peter Graves imagining a pair of breasts floating in space?"

There is another scene where P.G. encounters the 'giant' animals. I think it goes on for 20 minutes. It is just him in front of a blue screen, where they show animals behind him. The video fills up the screen so that they look huge. Sort of. The effect is pretty poor. I think it's supposed to be terrifying, but it's just kind of funny.

I don't know if Mystery Science Theater ever mocked this one, but they should have.

I highly recommend it.

The Early Morning Panic

I have to work a little late today, so I came in a bit late. I stayed up to watch The Daily Show and Tough Crowd... And did some dishes after that. The point: I was up PAST MIDNIGHT. GASP! I knew I could just get up whenever I wanted in the morning, so I didn't care! I'm a rebel. Look out.

This morning I first woke up a little at 6:30 am. Have you ever had that morning panic?! You're brain is not fully awake, and you look at the clock, and for some reason it causes you to panic. Ohmigod! I've overslept!, even if you haven't? Have I slept through the entire day? I'm sure it's happened to you.

Well, this morning, at 6:30 am, I woke up -- and it seemed too dark. I think the extended weekend made it so that I am used to waking up when it is at least a little bit light. I thought there should be at least a little morning twilight... my panicked thought was this: OHMIGOD! Has the Earth's rotation slowed? And in the next few milliseconds, my brain tried to go through all the different ways in which this could have occured. It all happened and went away quickly, but it's still no way to awaken.

And I realized: I am such a geek (a slowdown in the rotation of Earth?! Sheesh...). A geek who might need a vacation.

I think it's fixed.

ACK! The Yahoo pictures thing isn't working. It seems the ID's they use for the pictures get scrambled every few minutes.

I need to think of a new way to get the pictures there...

Sorry for the broken pics out there. They ARE temporary. I WILL figure this out.

This movie: The Brain That Wouldn't Die.

Movie review at a glance:

A simple story		A complicated tale
Seen it before		A fresh perspective
Visually ordinary		Special effects-y

Borders has a sale going on: buy 4 DVDs get the 5th one free! So I just bought a bunch of old sci-fi and scary movies. The first I've watched is "The Brain That Wouldn't Die".

Here's the story -- There is a doctor experimenting with new techniques of human transplantings. He keeps a house in the country where he can do his super-sectret experiments.

Apparently, he's been theiving body parts from the amputation wing of the hospital, and has used those parts to build a new human! (Frankensteinian, for sure) This human has apparently had some mutation and aggression problems, and one Friday afternoon, the doctor and his fiancee are headed for the house in the country to see what this pieced-together beast is up to.

The doctor is in a hurry, and he crashes the car as he speeds up the winding country road. He escapes with minor injuries, but his wife crashes into the windshield and is decapitated.

The doctor scoops up the head and rushes for his laboratory, where he manages to hook up his equipment, and keep the head alive.

Now he just needs to find her a new body...


It is a fun film! The gore is class-of-1961, which means it is not all that graphic. There is a scene where a guy gets an arm ripped off that drags on for a while and is pretty scary and graphic, but the death throes are so drawn out, it's almost funny.

An aside: I love the old sci-fi horror classics with names like: "The Brain That Wouldn't Die," since they rarely have a lot to do with the movie. The brain actually would die, and even wanted to die. All he'd have to do is detach the machinery. The woman would actually do it herself.... but, well, you know.... she had no arms or body or anything.

(Expect to see more reviews of movies of this ilk in the coming days...)

When it's time to chaaAAAnnge...

I've been looking for a new idea for this page for a little while. Turns out, in my brain at least, everything old is new again.

A couple years back I had a "regular" web page where I posted some random things. It's still there, actually, I just haven't updated it in just about forever.

Anyway, on that site I reviewed books, and I used a sort of "slider" system to rate them. I didn't really want to say whether a book was good or bad, I mean, who am I to say such a thing? BUT, I did feel that I could give an idea of how complex, original, and well-paced the book was. Here is an example of the "Review at a glance" that I used:

Easy to read		A literary workout
Read it before		A novel with novelty
Lost my interest		Kept me riveted

It seemed to be a nifty little way to sum up the feel of the book.

So I'm going to start using it again!

I think I will use it for movies, too --

Something like:

A simple story		A complicated tale
Seen it before		A fresh perspective
Visually ordinary		Special effects-y

AND, I'm sure I'll get sick of this version of my blog and change my mind again soon...

So far as I can remember, I've never seen a James Bond movie in my life... at least in its entirety. I know a little about them (mostly from Austin Powers movies, I think), but I was under the impression that he was a pretty cool customer.

AMC was having a James Bond marathon, and a bunch of days ago, they showed "Dr. No". I figured it was a good place to start.

One of the cool James Bond-ey kind of things is his choice of beverage. You don't need to see a James Bond movie to be familiar with "Martini. Shaken, not stirred." This is the element of cool. Ordering a fine martini, shaken, not stirred, means you are super suave. Slick as a gravy sandwich. Shrewd and clever.

Martini, shaken, not stirred. Ah, the coolness.

I just wanted to watch the movie to hear him say it. "Martini, shaken, not stirred."

You see, I have based my particular brand of alcoholism on the Martini. It is a wonderful drink in a stylish glass. And olives are the only green vegetables I eat, so I figure the more martinis I drink, the healthier I am.

The martini is glorious, and it is due, in part to the James Bond coolness.

And then it happened... he walked into a bar and ordered...

"Martini. Shaken, not stirred."

It was beautiful. Sean Connery in his 'a little too much saliva in the mouth' finest. The 'shaken' and the 'stirred' were slightly slurred due to the Connery accent, but they flowed through the excessive spit in his mouth with a distinct confidence. I got chills. Seriously! Chills.

But there was more. Just when he was at his most glorious... it all went horribly, horribly wrong.

The waiter replied. "Yes sir. Vodka?"

Wait! What?!?! NO!! KILL HIM! Kill the waiter!! The mere suggestion of vodka in a martini is heresy! You don't make a martini with vodka!! He deserves death! Get him 007! Show him the gruesome painful death that follows the suggestion that vodka goes in a martini!

Leaning forward in my chair, I heard Bond's reply: "Of course."

Of course!?! What happened?! I was crushed. Defeated and crushed.


Dear James Bond,

Here is a website with recipes for martinis. Notice, none of them contain vodka, except on the rare occasion that it is mention amidst a gasp or other exclamation of horror and sacriledge.

Please, in the future, order a "Vodka Martini", so that the actual cool people know the truth, you poser. A vodka martini is just a false drink made for people who like to hold a cool looking glass, but don't want something pink in it, such as a Cosmopolitan.

Thank you,

The Martiniholics of the World.


A martini contains Gin, something between a waft and a pinch of vermouth (depending on how dry you would like it), and an odd number of olives. THAT'S IT.

Sheesh. He ordered a martini and then asked for it with vodka in it. Unbelievable.

Another Giant Microbes update!!

Looks like they will be adding some Critters soon... they have a little scrambled preview...

My superior decoding skills suspect that they will have: Bed Bug, Dist Mite, and Bookworm.



(I really have no idea why I keep going back to this site. I have no idea why I keep getting excited about it. I guess it's just the surreality of the whole thing.)

For the past 6 months, I have been sleeping on the floor, sort of.

I moved into a new apartment, and I had been sleeping on a king-sized Coleman air mattress, previously reserved for camping. I love the mattress, I really do. It is the most comfortable thing EVER. It is, remarkably, like sleeping on air.

Alas, everytime I flopped down onto the floor, I did feel a little silly... I didn't have a bed. I felt kind of like I was just visiting my apartment. Even the people who visited me and slept on the fold out couch had a more permanent-feeling sleeping place than I.

So I knew I needed a bed. And I also knew it had to be air-filled. I can't go back to regular beds.

The local mall has one of those Select Comfort stores. Air filled beds! That actually look like actual beds! What a concept. Gotta get one.

So I did.

Sort of.

When you go to a Select Comfort store and buy the bed, you don't actually by the bed. You buy a piece of paper. This piece of paper simply tells you that you have a bed pending. I wondered why the store was so dang small. They simply give you a promise of a bed. The bed itself will arrive in 7 to 18 business days.

The fellow asked if I was going to need to set up an appointment you have them deliver the bed, and take away my old bed. I said no, not really. He asked, "Well what are you going to with the old bed?" I told him, "I'll fold it up and put it back with my camping supplies." I think he thought I misheard the question. He moved on quickly.

The bed was actually delivered rather quickly. In just a few days I got the first 2 of the 3 boxes that were shipped.

The biggest box, which was about 5 feet, by 3 feet, by 4 feet, contained the mattress and a few other items... it looked as if the UPS warehouse monster decided to take a chunk out of it. One of the corners was GONE, and it was rewrapped with packing tape, apparently in an effort to cover up any problems. I could almost see the guy in the warehouse, whistling to indicated, "Ho, hum! Nothing wrong here!" as he body-casted the box with clear plastic tape.

One of the things which was ejected from the box was the INSTRUCTIONS for how to set it up.

The web site has the directions, so I printed them out.

I was going through the checklist of items that should be included. APPARENTLY, also missing: The air pump. The thing to fill up the mattress.

I assembled the whole thing, and talked to customer service -- they are sending me a pump (I haven't received it yet), and I got a loaner pump from the store.

So, NOW it is all set up. Looks great! A real bed! I've slept on it for TWO nights.


And I have to be honest... the $40 air mattress on the floor is more comfortable than the $900 "real bed".

Here is an irony, of sorts.

Blogger has added a spell check in recent months.

The word "blog" does NOT appear in its dictionary.

Eright. I'm here.

It has been about three days longer than forever since I've added to this Blog. I have not forgotten about it. In fact, I've update some stuff in the margins in the interim.

Here's the problem: I thought that the goofy Haiku part in the beginning would help to jumpstart my little rantings. A bit of structure to get me focused, and intentionally bad haiku, and I would be on my way.

It seems to have turned out to work in an opposite fashion. The haiku looms in front of me, causing me fear and discomfort. Also, as it turns out, approximately 7-point-3 million other Blogs include some consistent reference to haiku.

So... I think I will use the haiku form intermittently at best.

I probably need to change the description of the blog, then.

Haven't been here in a while.... sorry.

Here's a quick graffiti report:

Only hipocrittes write on bathroom wallz.

I thought it slightly clever, and it made me laugh, and then think, and then laugh a little again.

But, it probably should have said:

Only horribull mispellers write on bathroom wallz.

Giant microbes update!!

They've added Ebola and Black Death!!

This stuff rocks.

I might be more inclined to give someone the other new one since I checked last: Beer and Bread yeast microbe. It's a smidge friendlier. And check out his eyes... he looks a little drunk.

Literati Update:

I just beat Jiya (I should have been writing my newsletter, it's already late, but the words wouldn't come), who was at 1716, and I was at 1691.

I won!

He's down to a 1699, and I have broken the ELUSIVE 1700 mark! I am at 1708!! The world better be on the lookout! Look out, the world, here I come!




I know, I know, I have a problem.