• THE THING: This game: Odin's Ravens.
  
• THE HAIKU REVIEW:
        A two-player game.
            A strategy and racing game
                with lots of choices.
  
• THE FULL REVIEW:
  This is part of the Kosmos 2-player games series -- I have a few of them, and they are all set up just right for 2 players. They all are designed with a quick 2-player game in mind. The ones I have are mostly card games, with a lot of strategy and variety. Odin's Ravens looks like another good one.
  
  This is a card game, and there are 4 mini-decks that are used in the game. One deck is the one that makes the "board" where the play takes place -- they are cards with icons of different types of land on them -- each hard has two icons. When you play, you sit across from each other, so that the two icons form a path for each player -- each player has a different path to take.
  
  Two other decks are the cards for playing the game -- they are identical, and each player gets one. The majority of the cards have icons which match the icons on the play board -- the majority of play has an almost Candy Land-style simplicity to it: if you want to move over a mountain space, you have to play a card with a picture of a mountain on it. You can alternatively play a pair of cards to move -- a pair acts sort of like a wild card. This is a brilliant way to keep from having to wait for a single card forever -- some games keep you just waiting for one or two cards to show up. There are also Odin cards which allow you to change to terrain - to help you or slow your opponent, or to move an opponent back, or you forward, or to place an obstacle on the path.
  
  At the end of your turn, you have the option of making the path longer. If you are behind, you can try to make the end distant to allow you a chance to catch up. The problem with this strategy: you get more points the further you are ahead, so lengthening the course could lengthen your opponent's lead.
  
  Also, you get to put cards away into a little stash pile to be used later. This allows you to grab more cards to use for the next turn, and can as much as double the amount of cards you can play per turn. There is some strategy there, because you can only play from this extra stack of cards in the exact opposite order you lay them down (a true 'stack') -- it takes some furious thinking ahead (and the board can be changed around on you in the meantime!), but it can pay off big-time.
  
  The fourth mini-deck is a tiny little one, called the Magic Way cards -- there are only 6 cards. These each have 2 pictures on them, showing what cards you can play to grab one of the cards. Whoever has the most of them at the end of the round gets a 3 point bonus. It doesn't sound like much, but it gives you the chance to earn some points and use some otherwise useless cards if you are a bunch behind. This deck seemed kind of silly at first, but it can help out a little in an otherwise frustrating situation.
  
  I've only played this a few times (I've only owned the game for about 3 and a half hours as of writing this), but I can definitely see some great re-playability. It has different startegy each time... and a round can go by in just a few minutes. The rules are easy to learn, but allow for some very deep strategic play. Luck plays a big part, but I can see someone learning the strategies and possibilities and winning consistently with a consistent strategy.
  

• THE THING: This movie: Ghost World.
  
• THE HAIKU REVIEW:
        I shouldn't have liked
            a girl-coming-of-age film
                but I kind of did.
  
• THE FULL REVIEW:
  This was a movie borrowed from the library... a free rental is always good!
  
  I wasn't sure about it:
  Things against it: it was a movie about 2 girls who just graduated high school. Also, (though this is rather pompous) I've never heard of it.
  Things going for it: it had Steve Buscemi, and Thora Birch (she was in American Beauty -- I didn't remenber her name at the time).
  
  It turned out to have a sort of Harold and Maude feel to it. Just a little bit. It was not nearly as quirky and goofy.
  
  It was certainly grabbed my attention. The acting was pleasant, and the characters were not outrageous enough to be annoying -- just different enough to be interesting.
  
  The story goes like this: Enid and Rebecca tend to enjoying annoying people, and they find a desperate personal ad from someone looking for a person he met in an airport briefly. They call him up, pretending to be her, and get him to show up at a restaurant as a preactical joke, and to just see who he is. Enid ends up being intrigued by him, and befriends him. Things get a little out of her control...
  
  Now, what is it with me and endings?! I guess I just get too caught up in movies and just want more! The same happened in this movie -- it ended on a sort of oddly uninteresting and unresolved note. Just ignore that sentence, it's just me, I think...
  

Final Score on the Chris Worth Scale: $4.95. For one that I saw for FREE, I feel like I got a bargain.

• THE THING: This game: Diceland (specifically, the Deep White Sea edition.)
  
• THE HAIKU REVIEW:
        Quite a bit of luck,
            some assembly required.
                Quite replayable.
  
• THE FULL REVIEW:
  James Ernest has made a nifty original game with Diceland. As of the writing of this, there are 4 sets available -- The one I bought called Deep White Sea, two different sets which take place in space, and one called Ogre.
  
  They all seem to have similar rulesets, with some interesting changes between each. Each set is independently playable, but it seems that you can add different sets together. I only have the one set, so I can't speak to this very much.
  
  Let's talk about the game: first of all, the dice are made of shiny card-stock paper. They come in flat sheets -- you have to punch them out and assemble them. I really like that part, actually. It does take some time investment, but it's kind of nifty in an origami sort of way. The dice are really much sturdier than you might imagine. There are 25 all together; 5 teams of 5 dice. The Deep White Sea set has 5 different teams to play with -- the game is originally meant to be played with 2 players, but you can easily play it with more... there's enough dice to actually play with 5 players, though that might be a little crowded on the table. The dice are good-sized - they're about 2 inches on a side. That's because each face has a bunch of information -- it has a picture of your character, and describes that character's abilities.
  
  You roll a die to put your character into play -- the way it lands tells how strong the character is, how far it is from death, its attacking and defensive capabilities, and who else on the table it can attack. Most of the dice can only "see" in a certain derection, depending on how it lands. So, if you throw a die, and it lands so that the point is staring off the edge of the table, there is a good chance it's a little useless. Some dice can "see" in all directions...
  
  They each have different attacks and defenses. I just pulled one out whose name is Jarik, and she is an assassin, who has many attacks that use poison. If a character is poisoned, it takes extra damage each turn. Many characters (mostly robots) are immune from poison! There are a bunch of varieties of attacks and defenses of this sort -- it's pretty common in role-playing and collectible card games. I'm sure you sort of get the idea...
  
  This is really a game for role-playing and card-playing game geeks. Which means I love it. I've only played it a couple times, but it is quite obvious that there is an equal amount of skill and strategy involved. The damage system is so wild -- each die has a marker on each face that you push on if it takes damage. The sides of the dice are numbered 1-8, and the push takes you to the next lower numbered face. If you take damage when you are on side 1, your character "dies" (it's actually only out of commission for one turn).
  
  Each of the characters has a definitely feel for it -- the way it attacks and defends is unique. You get attached to your team members and develop favorites.
  
  The character art is tremendous. The rules are easy once you've played 2 or 3 times, and the interactivity of tossing your character into the fray and anticipation and axiety associated with how it lands makes it an engaging game.
  
  I recommend it highly. It's relatively inexpensive ($15). I've only played a 2-person game, but I could see how a multi-player game could be exciting, as well. I intend to get my money's worth out of this game. And I'll probably end up getting the other sets, as well...
  

• THE THING: This movie: Hulk.
  
• THE HAIKU REVIEW:
        Amidst a flurry
            of comic book-based movies
                another good one!
  
• THE FULL REVIEW:
  OK, the commercials had me worried. The Hulk guy looked goofy! He was way too huge, and seemed to look different sizes in different places in the previews. He seemed over-exaggerated...
  
  I'm not sure if they were just showing the most outrageous shots of Hulk, or it was different in context, but I thought he looked pretty realistic in the movie itself. Well, as realistic as a man mutated into an eleven-foot growling monster can look.
  
  I should admit: I am not a comic book junkie at all. I did watch the Hulk show on occasion in the late 1970's, but I was a bunch younger then. I don't remember all of the ins and outs of the characters, but I did enjoy watching some big green guy beat up stuff, and I also enjoyed the confusion the general public shared about why his pants ripped from the knees down, but the rest of it, covering his naughty bits, stayed on.
  
  Not to ruin anything, but his pants stay on, for the most part, in the movie adaptation, too.
  
  In short, I liked it. I thought the effects were done well, and overdone just enough to be groovy. The acting wasn't too bad, for a comic book movie. The editing and screen effects were brilliant -- the screen often had a comic-book-page-panel effect, sometimes showing different scenes occurring simulataneously ("Meanwhile..."), and some showing different angles of the same scene. There were dissolves and blends and other transition effects and camera angles that just added to the comic-book styling. There was one tiny stylistic moment that I thought was distracting (look for a guy getting engulfed in flames -- I won't spoil anything by saying any more), but besides that it was great eye candy. The way he jumped through the air was just great -- he would bound from place to place like he had the ultimate control over the muscles he was putting to the test (why couldn't they jump like that in Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon?!? Why do they flail their legs like they're hanging from strings?!? Oh, wait. They are hanging from strings.)
  
  If you want to see a big guy break stuff, and actually have some pretty interesting background story, with some large scale battles, you will like Hulk. It was honestly quite a bit more than I thought it was going to be.
  

Final Score on the Chris Worth Scale: $8.85. That's a bargain if you hit a matinee! It's a perfect summer movie.

• THE THING: This movie: Manito.
  
• THE HAIKU REVIEW:
        Starts out very slow,
            Quickens to a feverish pitch,
                and then just stops short!
  
• THE FULL REVIEW:
  ACK! I just started getting into the movie when it ended!
  
  This is one of the films I received as part of the Film Movement subscription. They're usually quite nifty.
  
  This one takes place in Brooklyn, and I think the whole time-period movie is about 48 hours. A kid from the tough streets and a tough background is graduating high school. His brother, Junior, is throwing him a huge graduation party. The first half of the film shows some characters and interactions that don't seem to make much sense... it was a little awkward and odd. But, through the planning of the party, and interactions between relatives and friends, the pieces begin to fit together. It was all rather clever -- and the confusion at the beginning tugged you along in earnest to find out how it all fits.
  
  The camera work and quality is a little tough to get used to -- it seems hand-held, and a lot of the shots are quite close... but it does lend a sort of realistic quality that helps you feel centered in the story.
  
  Once things have come together, and the plot has manuevered you into a place of understanding and caring and interest, the movie ends abruptly! This is really my main problem with it. I guess the writer left it open for Manito II...
  

Final Score on the Chris Worth Scale: $6.00. See it if you can... but you have been warned about the abrupt finality.

• THE THING: This movie: Waiting for Guffman.
  
• THE HAIKU REVIEW:
        Unexpected whim
            purchase while shopping CostCo,
                expectedly great.
  
• THE FULL REVIEW:
  I've wanted to see this film for a while! I've seen Best in Show and A Mighty Wind, and assumed that Waiting For Guffman would be equally amusing. I was wandering through CostCo, and they had it for a low, low price, so I decided I had to pick it up. I was not disappointed.
  
  The small town of Blaine is putting on a historical pageant for their sesquicentennial festivities. The writer/director/producer (played by Christopher Guest, the main writer guy) takes things way too seriously, but gets the cast really hyped up -- he's actually effective with his effeminate over-professionalism. As they are progressing, they learn that a Broadway producer will be attending the show (the guy's name is Guffman -- thus the title).
  
  If you've seen a Christopher Guest mockumentary, the format will be unoriginal to you. If you haven't seen one -- shame. Shame on you. Go rent one. Hilarious, funny, touching, clever. The semi-written dialogue gives his films a fluid, natural feel. I tend to talk like some of the characters in his movies for days afterward...
  

The Final Score on the Chris Worth Scale: $10.95. You cannot go wrong with a Christopher Guest movie, in my humble opinion. (OHMIGOD!! SOMEONE ON THE INTERNET WHO ACTUALLY WRITES OUT HIS COMMONLY USED PHRASES!!! I'VE JUST FALLEN ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING MY ASS OFF! Really. Is that so difficult?)

• THE THING: My trip to pick up a car.
  
• THE HAIKU REVIEW:
        Thermometer says
            94 degrees; nice day
                for a long bike ride.
  
• THE FULL REVIEW:
  A little background info:
  FACT #1: I'm home today! I've been taking a bunch of days off to cash in some comp time from work. I work a bunch of weekends and nights (feel free to check out what my job is like).
  
  FACT #2: My wife's car is in the shop. She's in the middle of a release at work, so she really hasn't had the time to pick it up.
  
  FACT #3: It is a beautiful day outside.
  
  SO, I decided to hop on my bike (which I've used about 3 times total), and take a bike ride! It's about 5 miles to the STS Tire and Auto where the car is. Not too bad. Also, most of it is downhill. If I had to come back, there would be NO WAY I would try to make the trip. And I really can use the exercise. Apparently my cholesterol is a little higher than it should be (maybe I should blog about that, too). It will be a nice trip there, and then I can throw the bike in the car and head on home.
  
  I grabbed the water bottle which attaches to the bike, and filled it with ice, and covered that with cold water, so the water would stay cold for the whole trip. I made sure my helmet was adjusted properly, and headed on out.
  
  It was just beautiful. It's a hot day, but while you're riding you can feel the breeze. I've been on a bike about a dozen times in the last dozen years, and I had forgotten how nice and fun it is. It was really energizing, and exactly what I needed during my quasi-vacation.
  
  About half way there, down the worst of the hills, I passed something called "Park Lake". It's a park with a little lake in the middle of it (apropos name, no?). It's strange, because they have little decoy geese in it. They appear to be mangled and dead. This lake is covered with fake, mangled, contorted, dead geese. It's not very attractive, and the only thing I can think is that they do it to prevent geese from landing there. The real geese must fly over, nitice that there is geese carnage below, and decide to move on.
  
  As I was admiring the horrid geese, I noticed an odd sound... sort of a "POP!" followed by a "FLUP! FLUP! FLUP! FLUP!"
  
  Ohmigod.
  
  Flat tire.
  
  The best laid plans of mice and men, often result in a STINKIN' FLAT TIRE!!!
  
  ACK!!
  
  Ack.
  
  Urg.
  
  So I doff my helmet, swig about half of the water down, call the tire some inappropriate names, and start heading home.
  
  By the way. walking uphill in near-100 degree temperatures is not nearly as fun as riding downhill.
  
  Things I noticed on the walk: I passed at least 7 empty Skoal cans thrown on the side of the road... In a 3 mile stretch of road!! Actually, much less than 3 miles, it was all along the main road that passes by Park Lake. I didn't think there was that much chaw being chewed in New Jersey. Perhaps it's just one person who rides that stretch of road, and chucks his tobaccy container out the window of his rusted Ford pickup on his way home from the K-Mart.
  
  I'm pretty sure I spent a bunch of time trudging through poison ivy, as well. I dove into the shower as soon as I got home, perhaps it all washed off. Or maybe that just spreads it around -- I'm not too poison ivy savvy, actually. I might be after this.
  
  At the base of my street, at the bottom of the largest, steepest hill I needed to climb, there is a small field. In it was a deer. It was standing less than 15 feet away, just starting at me. I said some nice things to it, asked it to come over so I could pet it, but it just stood there staring at me. I started to walk on, and I SWEAR the deer glanced down at my flat back tire, saw me sweating through my shirt more than Frank on Trading Spaces, and started laughing. Seriously, this deer was having a hearty chortle at my expense. Or I might have been hallucinating from the heat exhaustion by that time.
  
  To pass the time, I counted footsteps as I went. I might have lost count a smidge once or twice, but by my best guess, it is 4,674 steps from Park Lake to my back door. ALL UPHILL.
  

• THE THING: This book: Milky Way Marmalade, by Mike DiCerto, © 2003
  
• THE HAIKU REVIEW:
        Funny and spacey,
            Wild characters and sets.
                This guy loves music.
  
• THE FULL REVIEW:
  The reviews for Milky Way Marmalade, which is available in both eBook form and regular old paper form, that I read all suggested it was a Douglas Adams-style sci-fi adventure. I'm not sure that was real spot-on. Douglas Adams had an original, free-wheeling sort of style and flair that, though it took me a little while to get used to, is still unmatched, I think.
  
  One said "If you read and enjoyed Douglas Adams but felt that it was a little too sane and well grounded in reality then you might find yourself in for a treat."
  
  I think the most important word in that review is: might.
  
  It was fun, don't get me wrong. And had some very out-there characters. And some cool sci-fi type stuff.
  
  But this guy loves his 1960's/1970's music a little too much. It was really distracting. REALLY DISTRACTING. Really. Each chapter is named after, and has a quote from, some classic song. The Doors, The Rolling Stones, Foreigner, The Beatles, Rush, The Moody Blues, Yes... and bunches of others. Basically the main plot was that the universe was slowly having its music removed. And the main character, Quark Caffrey, has been thrown into saving the universe from being devoid of music. Especially music by the people mentioned above.
  
  But the author REALLY likes "Stairway to Heaven". This is the song that the universe was made for and will, eventually save us all. Apparently.
  
  OK, it's a decent song, but it was leaned on, and used, and mentioned, and abused, and quoted a smidge too much.
  
  The space travel, and time travel, and different species, and different bad guys, and different planets, and different spacecraft were all VERY cool. And generally funny.
  
  But this book kind of just used the sci-fi as the vehicle for delivery; it was the cracker. It was really all about the music -- that was the cheese and pepperoni -- that was the main flavor.
  

Final Score on the Chris Worth Scale: $4.95. I just can't give it any more. I spent to much time screaming at my eBook: "Get off the music! I get the idea!!" I'm still recommending it if you like goofy sci-fi romps, but not without the slight disclaimer mentioned throughout.

• THE THING: This movie: Light of My Eyes.
  
• THE HAIKU REVIEW:
        A chauffeur and a
            single-mom-frozen-food-store-
                owner; their lives entwined.
  
• THE FULL REVIEW:
  This is one of the movies I have received as part of a membership to Film Movement. It's a nifty little movie club, of sorts, in which you get a new, independent or foreign film each month. This is the fifth I've gotten, and they have all been pretty cool.
  
  Light of My Eyes is an Italian love story. It starts with a chauffeur (Antonio), on his way home late at night almost running over a small girl (Lisa) in the street. She is not hurt, and he finds out that she lives with her mother (Maria) who owns a store down the street. Antonio starts to follow them (in a slightly creepy way!); he seems just entranced by this woman. He tries to begin a relationship with her, and she seems to want that, too, at first. But she is too worried about all of the baggage she is bringing -- single mom, financial problems, emotional problems -- so she lets him know that she has no feelings for him.
  
  Antonio is not easily daunted. He gets himself involved in her financial situation, and tries to relieve some of the problems without her knowing. In doing so, he ruins his career, and is now involved in some pretty shady deals.
  
  Throughout the movie, there is narrative from a sci-fi book (I'm not sure which it is! If you know, let me know!), that is being read. I couldn't quite see the tie-in, but I'm sure it was supposed to relate to the story somehow. It was just rather odd.
  
  And it ended way too abruptly. there were some loose ends that I am curious about...
  
  I guess he was just leaving room for Light Of My Eyes 2!!
  

Final Score on the Chris Worth Scale: $7.75... a good solid movie. There was a couple things that were odd or bothersome (besides the fact that it was subtitled... which always makes me feel like I am missing the movie as I read the dialog!), but I'm really glad I got to see this creative and interesting film.

• THE THING: This movie: Hit Me.
  
• THE HAIKU REVIEW:
        A small time bellhop
            gets a chance at the big time,
                but gets in too deep.
  
• THE FULL REVIEW:
  
  I headed out for the Easy Video looking to find a film I had never heard of before. I was in the mood to see something that I would not otherwise have seen.
  
  Hit Me was on the wall, and it had a picture of WIlliam H Macy on the cover. He's usually a pretty cool fellow. He does nifty movies, and does a good job in them, so I thought I'd check this one out.
  
  Not that it should matter, but he was in the movie for about seventeen seconds! I shouldn't care, but he was on the cover! His character didn't even have a name!! He was just "Policeman" in the credits.
  
  Well, now that my little annoyance has been vented, let's talk about the movie.
  
  The main character is a bellhop named Sonny, who is taking care of his brother, Leroy, who has some sort of mental disability. The bellhop job apparently doesn't quite make ends meet, so Sonny helps to get more money by doing some little illegal things -- an example: he steals VCRs from the hotel and sells them. He seems to be involved in some other dealings, for which he gets beat up, but those aren't really explained. It seemed obvious that it was small stuff, though.
  
  Turns out that there will be a high stakes poker game at the hotel. An ex-co-worker comes to Sonny and explains how they are going to rip it off, and they need his help. All the money from the game will actually be stored in the safe deposit boxes of the hotel. In total, there will be $700,000, and 10 percent of it is his if he helps out. He debates it a while, but then it gets turned into an offer he can't refuse, and now he's part of it.
  
  Of course, as most heist movies go, things go wrong, people get killed, and a bunch of double-crossing occurs. The movie is done well, and is much less confusing than I usually find these things. There is some slow pacing at times, but for the most part it is nicely constructed.
  
  I found Sonny (Elias Koteas) to be a little over-acted. There was some pretty emotionally outbursts that didn't seem to be caused by as much stress as the plot suggested. But, he was supposed to be sort of at the end of his rope, which helped to drive him into his current situation... so maybe it was acted as directed.
  
  Anyway, it was a decent movie. I would recommend it for a night of viewing a film that you wouldn't otherwise pick up.
  
  One lesson learned from the movie -- if you're going to be involved in a big-time heist, especially if you are planning on ripping off a major gangster, you really need to be able to lie...
  
  - "Sonny, where's the cash?"
  - "I don't have it!"
  - "Sonny... where's the cash?"
  - "It's right over there."
  
  That happened a couple times -- it was almost funny, and I don't think it was supposed to be.
  

Final Score on the Chris Worth Scale: $3.85, which is more than I spent on the rental, so I got my money's worth! It turned out to be exactly what I had set out to find.

• THE THING: The game called Grave Robbers from Outer Space!
  
• THE HAIKU REVIEW:
        A sci/fi, horror,
            sic your monsters on others,
                B-movie card game.
  
• THE FULL REVIEW:
  
  "It's more fun than blowing up the Earth for it's own good!"
        -- Gort
  
  Have you ever sat around with friends saying, "Hey, we should get an old video camera and make a cheap horror movie!"? Of course you have! Some of you have even done it!
  
  Well, a less expensive, less permanent way to go about that is to play Grave Robbers From Outer Space. The concept is a little suspect, but here's the point -- each person sets up a movie set with a Location (The Cabin in the Woods, The House by the Cemetery, for example), and some Characters in their movie (Spoiled Little Rich Girl, Skippy the Wonder Dog, Nymphomaniac Cheerleader, Bookish Girl with No Boyfriend, and my personal favorite, The Guy Everyone Knows Will Get Killed). You can give props to your characters (for the most part), like Axes and Rifles and Flamethrowers and Chainsaws ("Groovy!") -- characters like Skippy the Wonder Dog can't carry props (prominently explained on the card). You can even give a character a First Aid Kit or a Flashlight to help them out.
  
  "Help them out against WHAT?!" I hear you screaming! Well. I am glad you asked.
  
  You set monsters loose amidst the opposing players' movie sets. Each of the characters, locations, and props have a defense rating -- adding up all their defenses tells how well they will fare against the monster which will be set loose in their neighborhood... creatures like The Gym Teacher, Masked Stalker, Subterranean Cannibals, Say - Is That A Tentacle?, I Was a Teenage Werewolf, and, certainly the best, Space Mimic From Uranus. Each creature has an attack rating -- if it beats the defense rating of the movie upon which it was set loose -- well, somebody didn't make it... a charcter dies and is removed.
  
  There are Special Effects which can be played at any time and that really stirs things up... things like "They Found the Fuse Box!", "Hey, What's Behind This Door?", "What Do You Mean There's No Way Out?", "Good God, They're Radioactive!", "Too Stupid to Live", and "Only the Virgin Survives" all have instant effects, modifying the action. Some just take out a person quickly, some change defense or attack strength of certain characters or monsters, and at least one allows you to force someone to get you something from the kitchen.
  
  There is a lot of variety in the 120 card deck. All the cards are funny; all have 'flavor text' that adds to the humor. Some of the cards have MULTIPLE uses -- The character "Mom" for example can be used as a defense character that gets stronger the more kids she has around, or used as a Psycho Killer monster with an attack strength of 7, instead. It's kind of funny, either way, really.
  
  You play through the deck, or until someone plays a "Roll the Credits" card. At that point, you count up the number of defense points left in your ravaged movie set. The most points wins. It's pretty starightforward. There's some strategy, some creativity (the cards can be combined in some funky ways), lots of choices, lots of luck, and lots of laughs.
  
  It's for 2 to 6 players. A game takes 20 to 40 minutes.
  
  The only complaint I have is that, for the few times I played it, the deck seemed heavily weighted with Special Effect cards. I wish there were more Character cards -- I got beat down pretty bad for a bunch of turns and couldn't get a character card at all. And then, you put ONE down, and he gets beat up pretty quickly. But if you play it enough, a better balance might reveal itself. It's not a one-time-only kind of game -- you'll want to play it a lot.
  
  What might help, AND, if you get too sick of the cards in this deck, they released an expansion set, of sorts... Cannibal Pygmies in the Jungle of Doom is 120 MORE cards. That deck can be played independently, or you can combine the two decks for a 240 card campy-movie double-feature, of sorts.
  
  

• THE THING: The game called Knights.
  
• THE HAIKU REVIEW:
        A card and dice game.
            You must have some strategy,
                and plenty of luck.
  
• THE FULL REVIEW:
  Knights is a game by a wonderful company called Rio Grande Games. I've only played Knights a couple of times, and I'm still trying to pull together all the strategy, but it seems like a pretty decent game, with a couple fringes of frustration...
  
  Basically, each card has some dice on top of it, telling you what dice roll you have to beat to earn the card. I just flipped up a castle card that has dice showing: 4, 4, 4, and 3 on top. THAT MEANS: You have to beat the "poker hand" of three fours, and a high card of three. So, if you roll three 5's -- that beats three 4's; you get the card. If you roll a PAIR of fives, and nothing else really, you DON'T get the card -- a pair doesn't beat three of a kind.
  
  You are allowed to reroll, Yahtzee style, up to three times, to try to improve your hand. HOWEVER: Sixes are BAD in this game. A six counts as NOTHING. AND if you roll a six, you have to set that die aside, and you can't reroll it. You start the game trying to earn castles, and later tournaments happen, where you roll against other players. Also, later in the game you can try to take castles away from other players by beating their dice rolls. There are cards you can get and use to improve your rolls, or make cards easier to obtain.
  
  They also included 5 'blank' card to make up your own new helper cards to the game!
  
  IF you like dice games like Yahtzee or Farkel, or even Pass the Pigs, you'll probably enjoy this, as well. Sometimes, though, just like in those games, the dice just seems to be against you, and it can get frustrating.
  
  Knights is for 2-6 players, and a game takes between 20 and 40 minutes.
  
  
  BY THE WAY: Rio Grande Games makes some amazing games. One is called Carcassonne, which won all sorts of awards, and has expansion packs and new versions. It's one of my favorites.
  
  There's a strategy card game called The Gnumies, which is an odd bidding game with some insane strategy involved. Points go up VERY quickly for pairs and triples, etc. of cards, so cards which are worth 1 or 2 points at the beginning of a game can become 50 or 100 real quick.
  
  And they have a bunch of two players games. Lost Cities is quite easy to learn, has beautifully drawn oversized cards, and is possibly my favorite 2-player card game.
  
  Lastly, I will mention another 2 player game they have called: Hera and Zeus. I kept reading wonderful reviews of this game, suggesting it was the next step for players of Lost Cities. People LOVED this game. I got it, and the directions seemed incomprehensible. We tried to play it a bunch of times, but it was just too convoluted and odd to figure out. Then, one day I was determined. We played a few hands and started to get the knack. It's actually a VERY wild game! It takes some getting used to, but it's worth a long look.
  
  

• THE THING: The game called Blink
  
• THE HAIKU REVIEW:
        It's really quite fast.
            Sort of like Uno on crack.
                Easy and crazy.
  
• THE FULL REVIEW:
  I am quite surprised this is my first card/board game review! I do own a bunch of games. Trust me, it will be the first of many.
  
  Blink is made by Out of the Box Publishing, a compauney that also makes Apples to Apples, which is still up there as one of the most fun games you can play with a crowd.
  
  But we're here to discuss Blink. It has a deck of cards -- each has 3 properties, a Color, a Shape, and a Number of objects. I am currently staring at a card with Five Red Moons. Next card: Four Blue Stars. Next card: Three Green Triangles. Next Card: One Yellow Water-droplet. I think you get the idea...
  
  You can play a card on another card if at least one of those things matches. On the discard stack, you can play a card with Five Yellow Water-drops on top of a card which has Five Brown Stars. Because they have 5 in common. Get it? Real simple. Just like in Uno you can play a same number or a same color card. SO what's the big deal??
  
  Well, you don't take turns. You each get half the deck, and have to slam your half down as fast as possible. It gets pretty hectic. And it goes QUICK. 60 seconds is a LONG game.
  
  I've only played it a few times, but so far it seems pretty fun for a quick time killer. There are variations in the rules for 3 or more players, but it's meant for two people to be slamming the table. It takes you about 30 seconds to learn how to play and 60 seconds to play a whole game.... it's sort of a card game with Arcade Style Action!
  

• THE THING: A commercial for Honda Accord.
  
• THE HAIKU REVIEW:
        Yes, a commercial!
            Just a cool chain of events...
                Ain't physics nifty?!
  
• THE FULL REVIEW:
  Yes, it's true, all you out there in Reading My Blog Land -- I am reviewing a commercial. I tend to enjoy commercials -- you see, I have a short attention span. If I was in grade school today, I wouldn't cerrtainly be on a triple dose of Ritalin. They would have made a new classification of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder just for me.
  
  But, really, this Honda commercial is cool. WAY cool.
  
  Go watch it, and come back and we shall discuss.
  
  Didya see it?? Cool.
  
  OK, first, I need to tell you my favorite parts: The fan, when it gets unplugged because it went too far. The wiper walker thing was WAY cool. And the speakers grooving away was cool, too.
  
  I was really confused because I thought they cheated with the wipers, but apparently there is a moisture sensor on them -- they come on automatically when they get wet!
  
  It says it took them 606 takes to make this film. For 605 times, it failed for some reason. Dang, those guys got paitience! And they must have been standing behind soundproof glass, because you know they were all screaming "C'mon, BABY! C'mon!! GO GO GO!!! C'mon!!! DON'T MESS UP!!" And them, when the car came off the ramp they had to be screaming like mad.
  
  Especially after over six hundred tries.
  
  I'd have given up at around 11.
  

• THE THING: This game for the Palm OS: Void
  
• THE HAIKU REVIEW:
        Space combat and trade
            A very steep learning curve
                with a fun payoff.
  
• THE FULL REVIEW:
  Yes, I am reviewing as game for the Palm, which I play on my Handspring Visor. The Palm is not really a gaming platform, and most of the ones I have are word games and puzzle games from AstraWare.
  
  But I stumbled across Void at one time -- I even forget where. I downloaded a demo, which allowed you to jump to a few different worlds, and then cut you off. Well, I needed more! I was pretty addicted, so I ended up buying the whole thing. For $10, that's really not too bad.
  
  It reminds me a lot of a couple old PC games in the Wing Commander universe: Privateer, and Privateer 2. They were great! You could fly your ship, make upgrades, and get missions, and trade goods. Void is quite similar...
  
  The game really has 3 chunks:
  First, you can trade goods. Buy 'em cheap and sell 'em high! It's pretty simple.
  Second, you can fly from space station to space station -- there are over 400 to choose from! It's a pretty big universe out there. And there are some bad guys trying to shoot you down. If you shoot them, you get a bounty AND their cargo!
  Third, you can accept missions. Sometimes it's transporting people from one station to another, sometimes it's hunting down some nefarious bad guy, sometimes it's running illegal drugs or DNA to a secret lab somewhere (you do that, trust me, the cops will be on your tail).
  
  It took me a little while to get any money, and to not get killed every two stops! Once you've upgraded your ship a little, it gets a LITTLE easier. MAKE SURE you buy Cargo Insurance once your ship is all stocked.
  
  There are slow spots in the game, and it is a little repetitive at times. The graphics are tremendously simple faux-3d outlines (slightly reminiscent of Tempest, at least for me). But it's fun! You can go off and do your own thing -- shoot bad guys, or just run goods to make some money! You kind of make up your own role in the game -- the directions suggest you can make your living as a Trader. Bounty Hunter, Pirate, Mercenary, or Black Market Trader.
  
  If you want a great, realtively inexpensive time killer on the Palm, and you like sci-fi action games, go for Void.
  
  

• THE THING: This Playstation 2 game: Grand Theft Auto: Vice City.
  
• THE HAIKU REVIEW:
        Sharp graphics, controls.
            Fast cars, bikinis, big guns.
                Violent AND fun!
  
• THE FULL REVIEW:
  A couple months back, some kid was selling Grand Theft Auto: Vice City for PS2 ata garage sale I attended for $15!! FIFTEEN DOLLARS!! It's still FORTY FIVE DOLLARS USED in the stores! I obviously picked it up.
  
  I have had a few days off work, and have spent a couple hours each day playing Grand Theft Auto: Vice City on my Playstation 2. Don't worry, non-console owners, they have it for PC now, too. This is THE game. I played through all of Grand Theft Auto 3 (OK, I didn't get through the last mission -- tried for MONTHS, gave up and sold it back). That was awesome. I never thought it could get better. Oh, I was so wrong. I just had to stop and blog about it.
  
  Grand Theft Auto: Vice City (for brevity's sake, known as GTA:VC from here on in) has a bunch going for it: graphics, sound, story, and free-play-ability.
  
  GTA:VC is first a beautiful game. Vice City is basically Miami. And the city is bustling with people -- sunning themselves on the beach, roller-skating down the sidewalk, sitting on a bench, mugging other people. It's amazing. The environment is so immersive. And things like lighting are insane. Don't drive towards the west at sunset, the glare is terrible. The neon lights are beautiful. The variety of buildings and clothing and cars is incredible.
  
  But one of the greatest things is the music. There are bunches of radio stations in Vice City, and when you are driving the car/motorcycle you stole, you can change the station. It is all real music from the 80's. It's incredible. The music is so good, they released a soundtrack. It's on SEVEN CDs!! It's got tons of stuff from the 80's -- Herbie Hancock, 2 Live Crew, Kurtis Blow, Hall & Oates, Wang Chung, Bryan Adams, The Fixx, Lionel Ritchie, Rick James, Mary Jane Girls, Kool & the Gang, Twisted Sister, The Cult, Autograph, Tesla, Tito Puente, Foreigner, Reo Speedwagon, Night Ranger, Jan Hammer, The Human League, Blondie, Tears for Fears, Corey Hart, Thomas Dolby, A Flock of Seagulls.... this is just A FEW of them!
  
  So what's the point of all this?! Is there a story?? Sure! You are a thug, recently released from jail, who has been asked to do a drug deal for your old gang. It goes very, very wrong. All the people you are with get killed, and the ambushers take the money AND the drugs. So now, you are stuck here -- no money, no weapons, no friends, with your old gang all pissed off. So, you start freelancing for some people around town. The jobs you do introduce you to gangs here and there, and you are generally getting people all pretty annoyed at each other. It's quite fun. So far, I've had missions where I've need to kill a bunch of people, run drugs, shoot guys from a helicopter, shoot them from a boat (there have been a bunch of boat-race kind of missions -- quite fun), scare some members of a jury... stuff like that. VERY wild, very violent, and VERY not for the little ones. Actually, they should probably make you take a psychological profile test before you buy the game.
  
  But you don't have to do the missions. There is so much else to do! An easy, non-violent way to make money: steal a cab! Pick people up and drop them off, and get money for it! AND, if you don't get them there on time, and they hop out, jump on out and kill them and take their money! (In real life, I am a very non-violent person. Really.) You can go steal a cop car, and get money for taking out bad guys, vigilante-style. The vigilante missions get harder and harder as you progress. Soon you are going after multiple cars at the same time, each loaded with bad guys... it gets real hard real quick. But it's always fun; the vigilante missions have been my favorite. There's even a little side mission where you can deliver pizzas! And you can always go just shooting people and taking their money and stuff. I tend to go after gang members with a shotgun. They are usually carrying money AND a weapon, so it's worth the price of the bullet. OH! One more thing: They cost money, but if you need that little extra pick-me-up, go pick up a hooker. It can actually make your health go above 100%!
  
  Yes, it is a gruesome, violent, perverse, twisted game. But it's easy to jump in and out of. The controls are fluid -- you can go from running, to driving seamlessly. The graphics are amazing. It actually has decent actors doing the story. It's great all around -- I would say it is THE BEST Playstation 2 game. Period.
  
  And even though it's so violent, it's just a game. Just keep telling yourself that....
  

• THE THING: The Copter Game
  
• THE HAIKU REVIEW:
        So very simple.
            Also, very addictive.
                A great time killer.
  
• THE FULL REVIEW:
  Go here: http://www.hurtwood.demon.co.uk/Fun/copter.swf. Right now. It's OK, I'll wait. I'll be right here when you get back. It's silly and fun. Trust me. It might take a second or two to get the hang of it... but go try.
  
  [45 minutes later.]
  
  Pretty fun, right?! Pretty addictive, right? For a game which simply consists of clicking on, or letting go of, a mouse, it's dang addictive.
  
  I found a link to this off Dave Barry's blog. As you all know, he's a funny fella, and his Blog basically consists of links to things on the web related to medical discoveries, public service information, and other helpful things on the web. This Copter Game was suggested to be the site that will end all of your productivity. It's done that for a little while for me.
  
  By the way, Dave Barry's high score, so far: 1482.
  
  That's right, I just told you how you can beat Dave Barry. You know you want to! Go do it!
  
  [45 minutes later.]
  
  My high score, as of the writing of this blog: 1558. Take that, Dave Barry!
  
  I beat Dave Baaaaarry at a stupid Coppp-ter game!
  I beat Dave Baaaaarry at a stupid Coppp-ter game!
  Nyah, nyah nyaaaah, nayh , nyaaaaah nyah!
  
  Enjoy!
  

• THE THING: This movie: The Matrix: Reloaded
  
• THE HAIKU REVIEW:
        WILD special effects
            Overly complicated
                Nice ride, bad story.
  
• THE FULL REVIEW:
  ACK!! What happened?!?! OK, I loved The Matrix. From the first preview I ever saw, to the 18th time I watched it, I loved it. It was basically flawless. I mean, a "what if awake is dreaming and dreaming is awake?" story updated for modern sci fi. It was awesome. It hinted at questions of existence and reality, and questioned which to choose: if the fake world is better than the real world... which would you pick? It had references to most modern western fiction, science fiction, and fantasy, and had biblical inferences, as well. It was a beautiful sci-fi film -- in scope, and story, and enjoyment.
  
  And it was well-known that it was the first part of a TRILOGY!! Wow. I could have wet myself. I might have, just a little bit.
  
  I knew I wouldn't get in the first day or week the second movie was released, so I waited a bit. No biggie -- some people had seen it, that was cool. I never need to be the first. OK, I've been to a couple shows where it was opening day (all the Star Wars re-releases, for example. Yep, I'm that kind of a geek. WAIT! I did NOT dress up!).
  
  So then, I finally made it. I saw it a couple weeks back; this is NOT a timely blog. But the movie has been sifting through my brain since then, and the more I think about it, the less I like it. It has the complete OPPOSITE effect of the first movie.
  
  During, and right after, the movie I thought, "Wow. That was wild. The crashes and the scenery and the fighting and the new sort of 'helper' programs and the new ghosty creatures and all the new characters.... Yeah, that was cool." But I think I was just hypnotized by the slow motion at the time. Now that I've snapped out of it I keep thinking. "But what was the...?" and "Who was the guy that...?" and "Why did they...?"
  
  And the main thing I have to say is: The Matrix: Revolutions (the 3rd movie) better have a VERY GOOD EXPLANATION of the last 10 minutes of the movie!!! Even at the time I had a big "Oh my god. They did NOT just do that." go through my head. I think they may have taken this Neo thing a little too far.... we shall see. I don't want to make any rash judgements.
  
  I think I need to see it again. I was really confused with the whole Architect thing. I was really confused as to why Neo has to fight the agents again (Did the writers even WATCH the first movie?! Neo is the guy who KNOWS the Matrix! He can make it whatever he wants to be!! He can fly and, at least in the first movie, could go inside of the guys and blow them up!! Why fight!? Just fly away, fool!) I guess they just wanted him to fight 800 agents at once. Cool effect -- I'm not sure of the point.
  
  So. I am left confused. Maybe another viewing will help. It was DEFINITELY not what I was hoping for (though I'm still not too sure what that is). It was cool, for sure. It had some great fight/chase scenes, for sure. It expanded the Matrix universe, for sure. But I'm not sure any of those had any real impact for me. The movie was just fine, really. No better, no worse. Just FINE.
  
  If you are not a Matrix fan, and ESPECIALLY if you did not see the first one, skip this thing. It's just not worth it, it'll be way too confusing. If you are a HUGE Matrix fan, you really can't miss it, of course. Maybe, if you check it out, you can explain the dang thing to me.
  

Final Score on the Chris Worth Scale: $5.85. I just can't give it more than that, mainly because I really have to go back and pay my admission price again to try to figure out what's going on.

• THE THING: My visit to the doctor.
  
• THE HAIKU REVIEW:
        Doctor appointment
            Received a rectal exam.
                Holy violated.
  
• THE FULL REVIEW:
  I had a docotor's appointment for a physical today. Just a general physical to make sure I'm doing OK. Things like cholesterol, blood pressure, cardiovascular stuff, etc. I am not fond of visiting the doctor at all, and now I like it even less.
  
  I was supposed to not eat for 12 hours beforehand, I managed that. They also had given me a plastic cup to carry my urine in. I needed to pee in the cup when I got up, and had to bring it in. I got there, signed in, told them I was there, and I went to hand the urine sample to the desk person. She told me to just hold onto it until I get called. Oh, goody! I get to hold a jar of my own pee as I wait patiently to be called.
  
  The wait really wasn't all that long, so that was OK.
  
  I did have an EKG, which was pretty cool. I never had that done before. Apparently my EKG is all normal. And they did the usual blood pressure, pulse rate, etc. All good.
  
  Then the doctor did his jazz, checking my eyes and ears and throat. Apparently those were all fine, as well. Then he asked me to drop my drawers so he could do a testicular exam. No problem -- it's a little weird to have a fella rooting around down there, but it's not too painful, and it's over once you turn your head and cough. I did that part fine, and went to pull up my undershorts, when I hear the doctor say:
  
  "OK, now step up on the stool, turn around and bend over."
  
  "Nuh-uh!!" I told him.
  
  "Seriously," he said, "Hop up there and bend over."
  
  "What for?!" My voice cracked as I said it.
  
  "We have to do a rectal exam. Please step on the stool, turn around and bend over." He was reaching for the Vaseline as he said it.
  
  I've never had a rectal exam. I think my rectum is fine. I've never had any pain or problems. I guessed that it wasn't going to simply be an external examination of my anus. And my body was rejecting the idea. My mind was racing with ways to get out of there, but when you are wearing just socks and underwear, and the underwear is around your ankles, there aren't many options.
  
  Well, I did it. I stepped up on the stool, turned around, bent over, and grabbed the sides of the examination table with as much strength as I could muster.
  
  I heard him slather up with Vaseline and step behind me.
  
  "Uh, Chris?" he said.
  
  "What?" I asked, through clenched teeth.
  
  "You're going to need to relax your buttocks."
  
  It took me a few seconds to convince the muscles to actually release enough so he could get his finger up there. Although I don't know if he has fingers as much as tentacles. I swear he dug up there at least 18 inches. I could feel it in my throat. He was rooting around in there as if he had lost some change in seat cushions. It was horrible.
  
  And then, at the end, I felt so cheap and dirty as he just tossed a box of tissues on the exam bed and said, "Here. Wipe yourself off with those." It took 8 tissues to scrape all the vaseline out from between my cheeks. I don't think any of the vaseline actually made it into the opening, it just got scraped off on the way in. Yowch.
  
  He told me that he had examined my prostate and obtained a stool sample while he was in there. A stool SAMPLE?! I'm pretty sure he got it all while he was in there. He dug so deep, he probably got some undigested food.
  
  He checked the sample and told me I was OK, no blood or anything. I almost wished there was something wrong, because in my brain, he stuck his whole arm up my rectum for nothing.
  
  Thank god I'll never need to do that again. It is just once a lifetime you have one of those, right?
  
  RIGHT?!?!
  

• THE THING: This movie: X2, which was subtitled as "X-Men United" when they were promoting, I seem to remember...
  
• THE HAIKU REVIEW:
        Some new characters,
            and more about the old ones.
                Action, surprises.
  
• THE FULL REVIEW:
  X2 was a pretty fun movie. It started out with a pretty good 'grabber' sequence. Then it let the characters flow a little more than in the first. You didn't need to see the first X-Men movie, but I'm guessing it made the characters easier to relate to... it's hard to tell with the tragic knowledge I have of movie #1.
  
  I must admit that I am relatively unfamiliar with the comic book series. I have seen the cartoon on TV once or twice, but I am not a wild X-Men fan. Still, I enjoyed it immensely. I just can't speak to how well it adhered to X-Men proper. I can say: It wasn't childish; they didn't hold back on the violence or language, and there is just some angry butt-kicking all around. A bunch of things blow up, which is always nifty to see. There are some pretty tight scenes with unexpected endings, at least for me. So, if the comics had some nifty stories, and tense moments, it probably did just fine.
  
  I do have a few problems with it, but I am afraid they might be spoilers. [Ignore the rest of this paragraph if you are worried about knowing a thing or two that I, at least, didn't know going into it.] They might have killed off a major character! But I'm not sure. I didn't really quite get the ambiguity at the end. Also, for those fo you who have seen both, is it just me, or is Professor X just the biggest liability there is? He got all brain-poisoned in the first one, and was really the main problem, causing some serious bad news for the whole stinking planet, in this one.
  
  I did enjoy it, and will llikely pick it up as one to own when it comes out on DVD. I'm quite certain I'll check out the third one...
  

Final Score on the Chris Worth Scale: $8.25. That's not an amazing score, since I did pay nine bucks to see it. I'm still having trouble with that -- although if you sit through the credits, there is a LOT of people who need to get paid. There was about 2 full screens just of stunt people.

• THE THING: This show: Hey Monie
  
• THE HAIKU REVIEW:
        Terrific writing,
            Great timing, delivery
                in squigglevision!
  
• THE FULL REVIEW:
  "Dr. Katz" was a show that changed my life. Poor quality cartoons, and the writing and timing and humor of David Mamet. Amazing. Nothing could beat it. But then there was "Home Movies"; a show about little kids making movies. And that is brilliant (it's still on the Adult Swim collection on Cartoon Network). It had the pacing and style of Dr. Katz, and many of the same actors, but somehow was even better.
  
  And even Science Court, a Squigglevision show for kids, was tremendous.
  
  Now there is Hey Monie, which is a show on BET. I have to be honest, I've never watched much on BET. But after one episode, I am hooked. It is pretty hilarious. It still has all the natural-spoken-style writing, with overlapping dialog that you somehow manage to catch all of, that Dr. Katz and Home Movies made famous. The style is certainly similar -- the animation, the transitions, the pacing -- but it has a bunch of elements in character and setting that push it apart a bit.
  
  It follows Simone, who works for a PR firm, and how she manages in an urban setting. The people she works with seem to run with a more upscale crowd. She's managing to make her way in an environment that seems a little tricky to keep up with, but somehow she copes.
  
  I'm not sure why I like it. Apparently it is a co-venture between BET and Oxygen. There's two genres that are generally NOT working hard to cater to my tastes. Somehow it works... I'm still laughing about some of the stuff on last night, 18 hours later. I'd try to quote some of the funny parts, but it would be completely lost in text -- the whole show is about delivery. And writing. And timing. And smart references. But mostly, it's the delivery.
  

• THE THING: The VH-1 100 Top One-Hit Wonders
  
• THE HAIKU REVIEW:
        A few surprises
            special guests and Shatner hosts
                a good reminisce
  
• THE FULL REVIEW:
  OK, I'm actually only reviewing the TOP 20, because that was the only part I saw. It was probably an old show that's being replayed, but I never saw it before. Anyway, I hope this isn't a spoiler for those of you who want to watch it when it comes around again, but this is their top 20:
  
  20 -- She Blinded Me with Science -- Tom Dolby
  19 -- In a Gadda Da Vida -- Iron Butterfly
  18 -- Nothing Compares 2 U -- Sinead O'Connor
  17 -- We're Not gonna Take It -- Twisted Sister
  16 -- Rapper's Delight -- The SugarHill Gang
  15 -- 96 Tears -- ? & the Mysterians
  14 -- Groove is in the Heart -- Dee lite
  13 -- The Hustle -- somebody
  12 -- Baby got Back -- Mix a lot
  11 -- You Light up My Life -- D. Boone
  10 -- 99 Luft Balloons -- Nena
  9 -- Rico Suave -- Gerardo
  8 -- Take on Me -- A-ha
  7 -- Ice, Ice Baby -- Vanilla Ice
  6 -- Who let the Dogs out -- Baha Men
  5 -- Mickey -- Toni Basil
  4 -- I'm 2 Sexy -- Right Said Fred
  3 -- Come on Eileen -- Dexy's Midnight Runners
  2 -- Tainted Love -- Soft Cell
  1 -- Macarena... whoever did that song.
  
  Sorry I forgot a couple of the artists. I guess that's the true sign of a One Hit Wonder -- you remember the song, but not even who did it. You are referred to by your song -- i.e. "The Hustle Guy. You know, The Guy Who Did The Hustle Song."
  
  Apparently I like One Hit Wonders, since I think SIX of those have a perfect 100 rating on my Launch Radio station. And one has a 95, if I remember correctly. I won't tell you which ones, but if you know me, you could probably guess. The Macarena is not among them.
  
  I really have to disagree with putting the Macarena on there. I mean it was HUGE, but only for like 17 minutes, and then it went away. I wouldn't be surprised if I never hear that song again for the rest of my life. Nor would I be sad about that.
  
  There was some cool background info on the show. They talked about ? & the Mysterians (they did "96 Tears", number 15 on the list) for a bit. I had no idea the lead singer's name was ?. Makes me a lot less impressed about the whole "Artist Formerly Known as Prince" thing. Not that I was ever really impressed...
  
  Remembering songs like "Mickey" and "Come On Eileen" and "Tainted Love" and "Take On Me" and a bunch of others was just great. Seeing Thomas Dolby up there was pretty sweet; he's pretty impressive, I think. Aliens Ate My Buick is one of the best albums, ever.
  
  SO, the show was fun, informative, and reminisciatory (sic).
  

• THE THING: This book: The Soul Eater, by Mike Resnick, © 1981
  
• THE HAIKU REVIEW:
        Energy creature
            lives in space, lives forever.
                Can it be destroyed?
  
• THE FULL REVIEW:
  Nicobar Lane is a hunter. His business card simply says, "I kill things." He is one of the best, and there has never been a creature he has not been able to destroy.
  
  There is a legend -- mostly rumors told by near-insane old settlers of the far frontier -- of a creature that lives in space, is basically made of energy, and is impossible to kill. It goes by many names, but the most common seems to be the Dreamwish Beast.
  
  When Nicobar meets up with this creature, he decides to make it his greatest, and most likely his final, hunt.
  
  This is a book by Mike Resnick, thus it is good. I've read at least two dozen of his decent-sized books, and an equal number of his short fictions, and he has no trouble writing in nearly any genre: fantasy, sci-fi, humor, adventure, romance -- he can do it all with equal acumen. If you ever see a book by Resnick (and I swear he's written thousands), just buy it and read it.
  

FInal Score on the Chris Worth Scale: This was not Resnick's best, but still a wonderful 200 pages of action, drama, and unique science fiction -- I'll call it $4.95.

• THE THING: This book: The Idiot Girls' Action-Adventure Club: True Tales from a Magnificent and Clumsy Life, by Laurie Notaro, ©2002
  
• THE HAIKU REVIEW:
        One clutzy writer,
            add friends, neighbors, smokes and drinks.
                Hilarity ensues.
  
• THE FULL REVIEW:
  This is a bunch of short stories and observations from the eyes of Laurie Notaro -- who seems to spend a decent chunk of here time groping in her purse for smokes, trying to bum drinks from people in bars, and avoiding public toilets (I can completely relate -- hey, ladies, you think it's bad when the women miss, I swear some guys think they are urine artists... pissing is their medium. They paint the seat, the walls, the floor. It's insane. Try wading through shoe-sole deep urine just to GET to the soaked seat.).
  
  But I digress. This book is short and quick; easily devoured. There were times when I couldn't hold the book still, I was laughing so hard. She seems to have a fondness for the stronger drinks that I have only seen in one other person -- if I track our family history back far enough, she and I are probably related.
  
  She has had experiences with dentists as inhuman medieval torture devices, and I can relate to that, as well. There is a tale called "A Hole in One", where one of her teeth basically partially disintegrates, and she has to have it removed. It had just successfully been pulled, her mouth was full of gauze, and her lips were full of novacaine, her brain was still a smidge tipsy from the nitrous oxide, and the doctor was finishing up:
  
  'He looked at me oddly, half-smiled, and handed me a prescription.
  
  "It's codeine," he told me. "And with codeine, you need to take it with -- "
  
  "Wee-wee!! Wee-wee!!" I said, in my best attempt at whisky.
  
  "--food," he finished.
  
  Well, I thought to myself, no one's funny with a yard of gauze in her mouth and the lips of a dead woman.'
  
  I'm still laughing at that.
  

Final Score on the Chris Worth Scale: I was originally going to give this an $10.25, but I was was reviewing it, I was remembering some of the funnier bits, and wanting a copy of this to be hanging around to be reread at various intervals, kind of like my tradition of reading "The Santaland Diaries" from David Sedaris' Holidays on Ice a few weeks before every Christmas. SO, due to the rereadable nature of this book, I am adding 33% to my original value, and bringing it up to a $13.63.

• THE THING: This book: Immortal Khan, by H. Doug Matsuoka, © 2001
  
• THE HAIKU REVIEW:
        Centuries old Khan
            master of machinery
                is hunted and found.
  
• THE FULL REVIEW:
  The story opens with a car/motorcycle/helicopter chase. You can't go wrong with something like that.
  
  Khan was a master craftsman of metalworks in centuries old China. He would create toys and diversions of incredible complexity. When he was asked to use his abilities to create weapons, he know he could no longer be a part of that society, so he ran. He eventually met Chung Li, who taught him many things about his mond and body, and through his studies learned the ways of immortality.
  
  Flash forward to the present day. Chung is searching for his old student, to prevent history from repeating itself.
  
  This book was just a blast to read. The ancient Chinese masters would switch between traditional-sounding speech, and modern vernacular. It was funny, and gave the book a gangster-style feel at times. There is some great suspenseful action, and creative characters, as well as creative ways to develop them.
  
  The text has an odd flow to it, though. It is written almost like a film script, of sorts. There are what seem like sorts of chapter titles that describe the setting. Sometimes they stand alone, but sometimes they are actually integrated into the text of the story....
  
  
  "A waiter carries a tray of various elegant serving vessels through the busy tables at the crowded restaurant. He turns a corner and begins ascending
  
  RESTAURANT STAIRWAY
  
  A large wooden carving of a dragon descending through clouds runs the height of the stairway. At the top of the stairs, Waiter steps into
  
  RESTAURANT HALLWAY
  
  Which passes the doorways of a number of unoccupied private dining areas."
  
  
  It's a little odd at first, but it gives the story an almost breathless flow, and a definite cinematic quality.
  

Final Score on the Chris Worth Scale: $5.95. A high-quality paperback book. Although, my version is of course an eBook. Buy eBooks, people. Thank you. ( I don't own any eBook stock or anything, I just want to make sure they keep making them!)

• THE THING: A bottle of Hine XO Cognac
  
• THE HAIKU REVIEW:
        Smooth, sweet, strong, but soft
            oaky, bold, no bite at all.
                tastes great chilled or warm.
  
• THE FULL REVIEW:
  Who doesn't love a nice fine glass of cognac? OK, a few people. I however, have developed quite a fondness for the stuff. This particular bottle was given to me by my next door neighbor, on a returned trip from overseas, as a cat sitting favor. This stuff was so good, I would shovel cat turds for weeks, gladly, for another bottle. I had never had any Thomas Hine Brand Cognac before, but it's one I shall certainly be looking for in the future.
  
  It's taste is warm and inviting; there is no bitterness or sticky sweet-tang flavor at all. Usually I drink it at room temperature, or cooled a little, but I had a flask full of the stuff at the weeding I attended last weekend, and it had warmed up nicely in my breast pocket. I think it tasted even better slightly warmed.
  
  Apparently, the Hine cognacs are famous for being good with cigars; they even make a line exclusively for that. SO, go buy a nice cigar, fill a snifter of the Hine, and enjoy. Trust me, it's good stuff.
  

• THE THING: A story: Foggery, by Mark Rich, © 1996
  
• THE HAIKU REVIEW:
        Very short story,
            vegetable-shaped intruders,
                witty, insightful.
  
• THE FULL REVIEW:
  This is a great little story, which starts out with an alien asking the classic alien question: "Take me to your leader." A couple paragraphs later, the stringy piece of celery shaped alien ends up offing himself, seemingly due to an endless tirade of double talk, political correctness and red tape. And it just gets funnier from there.
  
  Why are the vegetable shaped aliens here? What do they want? Why do they keep knocking people out and stealing their clothes? And can Mr. Fogg impress Adelaide Jones, the young, new, female reporter, enough that she will consider a date? That last one is the real plot pusher.
  
  These short, cheap books are one of my favorite parts of owning an e-book.
  

Final Score on the Chris Worth Scale: $3. A dollar for each time I've read it already (that would be three times, for the non-math people out there). Oh, and in a shameless promotion of the industry: BUY eBOOKS!!

• THE THING: A book: Death Rat!, by Micheal Nelson, © 2003
  
• THE HAIKU REVIEW:
        quirky narrative
            deception and funk music
                ridiculous cool
  
• THE FULL REVIEW:
  I think this is Mike Nelson's first novel. He's written a couple other books, but they're mainly just collections of his thoughts and reviews of things. (This Blog is not a concept stolen from his ideas!! It's NOT! Seriously. It's not. Nope. This is an original concept by me. No theivery. No plagiarism. Just me. It's all me. So get those thoughts out of your head right now. I mean it. Thank you.) And, yes, this IS the Mike Nelson who was the second host of Mystery Science Theatre 3000.
  
  Warning: Try not to read this book in public. I was in the Springfield Taco Bell, enjoying some fine insta-mex food, reading "Death Rat!", cackling like a hyena. It was not very becoming. Bits of soft-shell taco were being splattered all over the table. It's a funny book, I tell you.
  
  My twisted anology for this book: It's like fidge ripple ice cream. The whole package is real good, but every once in a while you hit a nice thick rich ribbon of fudge, and it's gooey deliciousness takes you by surprise. The whole book is quite well put-together: odd, funny, and quick... but sometimes there will be a string of occurences that just had me laughing out loud. I'd go back 2 pages and reread it, just to relive the experience, and I'd laugh again, possibly harder.
  
  There are some wonderful characters drifting through the book: Ponty Feeb, the protagonist, an aging history writer trying to make a comeback. Gus Bromstad, his arch rival, another writer. The Danish private investigating squad is pretty funny. The governor of Minnesota, who rappels down from the third floor window of his mansion to avoid dealing with his assisstants. The 38-or-so inhabitants of Holey, Minnesota. But probably best is King Leo, the funkadelic master craftsman, who really stirs the book into a frenzy. Whenever he introduces himself, he always gives other names he will answer to, in case the new introductee needs alternates...
  
  "You can call me King Leo, or you can call me the Sovereign Ruler of Groove, Milord Nasty Pants, the Magistrate of Penetrate, the Pharoah of Funk, Maharaja of the Mojo, Ceasar the Pleaser, Benevolent Despot of the Lower Places, the Commander in Chief of the Overstuffed Briefs, or the Exchequer of Milk Chocolate Soul." (pg. 193)
  
  Any book that has the phrase "Milord Nasty Pants" is a winner by me! (Although "Benevolent Despot of the Lower Places" and "The Commander in Chief of the Overstuffed Briefs", however verbose, are still quite funny...)
  
  If you need a book to jumpstart the summer reading season, I can think of none better than "Death Rat!"
  

The Final Score on the Chris Worth Scale: $17.95. And, since it's a $14.95 trade paperback, it's a bargain.

• THE THING: The wedding of Rob and Jess.
  
• THE HAIKU REVIEW:
        a beautiful day
            champagne, gin, whisky sours
                lost a cummerbund
  
• THE FULL REVIEW:
  It certainly was a nice day yesterday for the wediing. It was about 7 degrees too warm to be wearing a tuxedo, but besides that, it was very pleasant.
  
  So, there was the usual ceremony, which led into a limo ride strangely reminiscent of the one from the bachelor party. OK, it wasn't quite that crowded, but almost. At least no one was sitting on the bar. There was champagne in the limo, and Reid brought some vodka (at least I'm giving him the credit, since he was pouring). I had filled my flask (thanks again, Rob!) with cognac. It was quite yummy.
  
  Then we had pictures taken at Perona Farms, where the reception was. They had a stone bridge leading to an island with fountains around -- it was pretty nice. I only mention it because of the remarkable fact that none of us fell in.
  
  Then drinks in their patio/courtyard. That was quite nice. I stepped out there for a few minutes after it had gotten dark, and there was a beautiful crisp sky. Jupiter was pretty magnificent, I must say.
  
  I got to see a bunch of friends who I haven't seen in months, at least. It was nice to do some catching up.
  
  There was food and dancing, and it was all quite festive. It was VERY festive for me... I do enjoy an open bar. I didn't get sick until I got home, which was nice. Then off to bed (Hillary said I had my glasses on until 3:00 am).
  
  I woke up this morning to find pieces of my tux in random places, however, the cummerbund was missing. I have no idea where it went. It was in my coat pocket for the reception, but somehow it didn't make it home. My cuff links fell off at least seven times, but somehow they made it home. One was grotesquely bent (it got stepped on during the bridge photo session mentioned above), but they somehow remained on my person. Alas, for the cummerbund, this was not to be. Poor cummerbund... where could he be? Probably trampled by hordes of wedding reception revelers. Poor cummerbund. *-sniffle-*
  
  Anybody out there wondering how much a cummerbund is worth? I know the thought was racing through my head as I was driving towards Springfield to return my tuxedo, sans cummerbund. Well, I will keep you in suspense no longer! Fifteen dollars.
  

I will now take this opportunity to discuss the cummerbund. WHAT IS UP WITH IT? I really am not a fan of odd, unfunctional fashion. What is the point of wrapping pleated material around your waist? Why is that considered part of formal wear? Weird. Just weird.

• THE THING: A movie! A Mighty Wind
  
• THE HAIKU REVIEW:
        Mockumentary
            on folk singers and music.
                Funny, clever, sweet.
  
• THE FULL REVIEW:
  Another good chapter in the Christopher Guest collection! The ensemble was as good as ever. I didn't think he could come up with odder characters than he has before, but there are a couple wild ones here.
  
  Christopher Guest's film have an odd way of making you laugh at and care about the characters at the same time. I mean, don't get me wrong, he is satirical and mocking throughout, but he somehow gives them all an odd vulnerability. It's pretty wild. I'm always impressed. He can take the most oddball, unrealistic characters, and give them a very human side... at least I notice it more in his films than anyone else's.
  
  I could ramble on for quite some time about how good the film was, but I'll simply say - Just go see it. Well, if you can, it's actually not in a very wide release. Check your local, and not-so-local listings!
  

Final Score on the Chris Worth Scale: $9.25.
[Which means I got a bargain, since this theatre charged me $9 for an adult ticket. Yeeps. I'm only ever going to matinees from now on. This Blogging gig is not paying much at all!]

• THE THING: This book: The Simpsons and Philosophy - The D'oh! of Homer, by a whole bunch of people, © 2001
  
• THE HAIKU REVIEW:
        a book on Simpsons
            to learn of philosophy
                funny and thorough
  
• THE FULL REVIEW:
  This book was certainly a surprise. It was funny at times, but 65% of it was more like a textbook. I would say at least fifty prominent philosophers are mentioned and discussed throughout the book. There are references to the show throughout, but they are really incidental. This is a good book for fans of the show, but more a book for people who want to learn more about philosphy, psychology, ethics, the nature of thought, satire, and the like.
  Beware, this is not a light read. They use the Simpsons characters and settings to propel you into some very deep thinking. If you are looking for a book consisting of just funny Simpsons references, this is not for you. I did enjoy it, but it took me a few chapters to get my brain focused on the point of the book.
  

Final Score on the Chris Worth Scale: $10.95.
[Although, if you are using it as a textbook for a college class, they will likely charge you $83.00.]

• THE THING: A freaky vehicle.
  
• THE HAIKU REVIEW:
        On route 80
            going a speed of 80
                a big cat-shaped van.
  
• THE FULL REVIEW:
  I was on my way back from picking up a tuxedo, driving down route 80 west, when an orange blur flew past me. It was a van in the shape of a cat. Amazing. I think it was for Meow Mix or some other cat food, but it was a huge orange-striped tabby van. It had an enormous head - big 3 foot ears sticking up from the top, thick wiry whiskers (which bounced as the van sped along) coming out of the front grill, and a tail wrapped around the side. I was quite impressed...
  
  ...Impressed enough to jam down the accelerator and catch up, sticking my camera out of the top of my Tracker to try to get some photos. This while-driving photopgraphy is something that I like to think Vinny and I patented on the way home from a camping trip, when we got pictures of each others' cars, Porky's restuarant, and a sign advertising Big Hot Texas Weiners.
  

It is a film camera, so I don't know if the pictures will come out. If they do, I will try to figure out how to attach them to this blog.

• THE THING: This book: Denizens by Brian William Neal. © 2003
  
• THE HAIKU REVIEW:
        Near future sci fi
            space, time, deep ocean travel.
                Tidy, clever end.
  
• THE FULL REVIEW:
  The book starts out with two very different top-secret missions. One is an expiremental spaceship engine, which might be able to exceed the speed of light. The other, resulting from the discovery of a new sophisticated metal, is a deep sea diving mission to the lowest depths ever reached. It's is obvious from the onset that these stories are intertwined. The resolution of all this turns out to be more than I could have ever imagined. The scope is quite impressive, encompassing science, history, religion, and exploration. I highly recommend it!
  

Final Score, on the Chris Worth Scale: $7.95.

• THE THING: The Nutter Butter I just ate.
  
• THE HAIKU REVIEW:
        Peanut butter sides
            and peanut butter middle.
                So simple. So good.
  
• THE FULL REVIEW:
  
  Yes, I am reviewing a Nutter Butter! I needed a snack, I really didn't have breakfast, and there were some on my desk. Now, a Nutter Butter is good by itself, don't get me wrong, but if you have some coffee nearby, dip it in there. Phoof. REALLY good. Trust me.
  
  Imagine being in the Nutter Butter brainstorming meeting at Nabisco...
  
  
  "We should make a peanut butter cookie. Everyone likes peanut butter cookies!"
  
  "Yeah, but they just don't have enough peanut butter flavor. How 'bout we take two peanut butter cookies, and put peanut butter in between?"
  
  "Won't that be too much peanut butter?"
  
  "Too much peanut butter?! You're fired. We have no room for that attitude here at Nabisco."
  
  

WARNING: the Nutter Butter sludge left on the bottom of the coffee mug is a little oogy.

• THE THING: The Bachelor Party I went to last night.
  
• THE HAIKU REVIEW:
        Out in New York City
            Italian food and strippers
                got groped by a ho.
  
• THE FULL REVIEW:
  My friend Rob is getting married next week. Of course, there is the obligatory bachelor party. I didn't know anyone but the groom to be, and we were traveling into the city, so it was already a struggle for me to be motivated. Oh, and I had to work a full day beforehand.
  
  Anyway, we went to Puglia's in little Italy for dinner. The food was good, but I could have used some more gnocchi. I think I had just eaten too little all day, so I was starved. The wine was coming to the table pretty regularly, so that was good -- their house red table wine was drinkable, so we were off to a good start.
  
  There was a guy playing on an electric keyboard. He played some classic Italian songs ("Feliculi Felicula!" [perhaps not its actual name], "That's Amore!", stuff like that), but then drifted into some Frank Sinatra. OK, no big deal, he played "New York, New York".... that kind of makes sense. I was noticing the sideburns right as the fellow across from me (was his name Mas? I'm not sure) leans in and says, "This guy's going to drift into doing Elvis any time now." I laughed, but sure enough, 20 seconds later he started doing an Elvis medley. At some point he started playing some "Shake your Nap-kin" song. And everyone seemed to know it -- they were waving their dirty napkins all over the place. I had never seen such a thing. Perhaps I don't get out enough. I also thought it quite unsanitary -- keep them in your lap, people. I really don't want your spit and snot soaked detritus flying all over my food. Thank you.
  
  Then it was off to find a bar! We debated walking vs. a taxi, when someone noticed an empty limo pulling up. We asked how much to get us to Times Square, and he said $7 a head. Victor talked him down to $50. Great! In we go. To an 8-person limo. All thirteen of us. I could now successfully join the circus as a Volkswagen Bug clown. We were packed in there. My butt was actually in the limo's bar. I was folded up oddly with most of my weight on my calves. It was some really terrible pain.
  
  We ended up at Houlihan's near Times Square. It was pretty quiet there. We had a bunch of drinks, and could talk. We talked music (Dismemberment Plan, The Streets) and movies (Fantastic Planet, City of Lost Children). It was not entirely unpleasant. Then around midnight, the "All right, ready to go?" muttering began. Boy, was I ever. Three bucks on the bar, jacket donned swiftly, and I was ready to head home. But, alas, this was not the plan.
  
  Before I hit the next stop, I have to mention Scott haggling with a street vendor outside Houlihan's for a giant silver chain with a Spider-Man medallion on it. It was just great. Asking price $40. Final price $15. Scott proudly put on his new bling-bling, and we were on our way.
  
  We were off to "Flash Dancers", a gentleman's club. It was a nice place, as strip clubs go, I suppose. I don't actually frequent places were people dance around wearing only thongs, so I don't have a lot to compare it to. But at $20 a person to get in, we'll say it's nice. They even had one of those bathroom attendants. I forget who it was, but one of the guys we were with came back from the bathroom saying, "Hey! If you don't wash your hands you can save a buck!"
  
  We were put in the back, away from the runways. It was kind of an odd like-you're-in-a-movie feel. There had to be 40 or 50 dancers wandering around. They seemed nice. One of them claimed to be from Sweden and studying Molecular Biology. Rob's cousin was quizzing her, it was kind of funny. "What's the symbol for Carbon Monoxide?" And he was asking her about atomic weights. She passed with flying colors. All while wearing a thong. So surreal.
  
  I got one $13 drink (yoinks!) and decided I needed some fresh air, and some money (NYC is a damned expensive place). I went out with some of the smokers. We smoked. I went to the ATM across the street. I got my first hooker proposal there. It was a woman in a car. A nice SUV actually. She could have been somebody's soccer mom. I politely declined, but wished her future success.
  
  We finally departed "Flash Dancers" around 2:30-2:45, I think. While waiting for a cab back to Hoboken, I got my second solicitation for a brief sexual encounter in exchange for cash. This woman was a bit more aggressive than the Soccer Mom Hooker. She came up, and asked if I was ready to party. I explained that I was all partied out. She was unconvinced, and suggested that she would like to spend some time with me, since I was a well-endowed fellow (I'm paraphrasing slightly). Now, I was wearing pants, ones that had a loose fit, so I couldn't be sure how she could tell. Well, apparently she couldn't tell just by looking, and as she took another step foreward, she decided to test her "big man" theory and grabbed a full handful of my manhood. I gently, but firmly, pushed her hand back away from my very personal space, thanked her for my free sample of her services, but suggested she look elsewhere.
  
  I'll spare you the ride home, though the cab fare negotiations were a bit funny. My night officially ended when I collapsed into my bed at 4:27 am.
  

I'm too old for this.

• THE THING: A book! The Adventures of Baron Muchausen, by R.E. Raspe. Originally published around 1780, recently republished for e-book.
  
• THE HAIKU REVIEW:
        Centuries old text
            adventures, satire, spoof.
                old, fun, short tall tales.
  
• THE FULL REVIEW: This was a pretty nifty book; a classic, I suppose. There was a loosely based movie by Terry Gilliam, if you're not into reading. The book (actually 2 volumes of Baron Munchausen stories bundled together) contains about 38 short stories of the good baron, most only a couple pages long. He gets eaten by fish (at least twice), kills a herd of polar bears, flies right through the center of the Earth, and a whole bunch of other wacky things. Some of the humor is a little dated, and it obviously has an older tone and pacing, but it definitely has the feel of exaggerated stories thrown about in a pub after a few stiff drinks.
  

Some people rate things on a scale of 1 to 10, or on a four-star system, I rate by worth. What was it worth to me? This book was worth $5.95.

• THE THING: Dream last night
  
• THE HAIKU REVIEW:
        Being a rock star
            and singing crazy lyrics,
                is pretty darn cool.
  
• THE FULL REVIEW: I had a dream that I was playing some music in front of some large crowd. It was an awful amount of fun. And I was singing some crazy ass song. It was quite good, I think. And super, super bizarre. I tried to write down as much of the lyrics as I could remember. I just got the chorus down before the the dream fog burned off...
  
  I'm gonna do it with my headphones
  I'm gonna glue it with an airplane
  I'm gonna chew upon my hairstyle
  I guess that I've freaked out after all!
  

I think even Freud would have to work on that one for a while...